Monday, November 3, 2014

EC 440 / 14 Smartass John
Eso A.B.
Smartass John and Crazy Jane
Scene 13: John’s Initiation Ceremony
Translation © Eso A.B.

Synopsis:  Smartass John Dievel arrives at the gates of King John The Divine Dievel sick with desire for Princess Beautiful Beyond Belief. Among other things, he is told that access to the other world or parallel universe is trough intense emotion and not by way of a quantum computer. (For a more complete perspective on this story, please read blog 427—Introduction.)

The Speaker:
While Rozinante carried the Messenger
to the coast of Livonia
with wedding invitations,
Smartass John converted the gold
he had lucked out to discover
into fiat currencies,
which increased the value of the gold tenfold.

Meanwhile, King John Dievel and Ra-Zhanna
sat on the porch of their castle
and blasted the surround with roars of pleasure.
At last, they would be able to free God
from the grip of governments
and the phoney miracle of quantitave easing.
The more people were converted to passion,
the more would go into death fearlessly
and no governments would have a say
in the matter.

King John Dievel summoned
the court cobler and ordered
three pairs of new boots.
One pair was to be made from
the feathers of cranes,
because he wished to dance
as if he were still the Dievel
and The Morning Star.

Queen Ra-Zhanna summoned
the hat maker and ordered a hat
made of the black feathers of cranes.
These were to surround
a vase filled with the blood of snakes.
Thus, when she shook her head
the blood woud splash round about.
She also ordered the ladies of the court
to fashion themselves masks
that expressed the unexpressable
desires of body and soul.

Seven days went by.
Before the brothers of Smartass John
arrived flying on the backs of six crickets.

The wedding ball,
according to the custom
of the Kingdom
was on that same evening.

All the officers of the Army of the kingdom
came before the curtain behind which
Princess of Otherworldly Charms was hid.
They all recited love poetry
not in the least shy.
Smartass John acted out his lewdest dreams,
King John The Dievel
did not
died as befits a Dievel
of passionate intensity.

Queen Ra-Zhanna suffered a shock,
when she heard of Dievel’s death.
Still, she kept her wits
and ordered that Dievels remains
be placed in a coffin
and that the Army officers corps
toss and shake it
as if resurrection had come.

When the coffin was opened,
it was discovered that King John Dievel
had turned into chocolate pudding.
Queen Ra-Zhanna’s face lit up
Like that of the Sun.
She let go of a scream no less terrifying
than when she sliced the heads of her daughters.

Queen Ra-Zhanna:
I have waited for this moment all my life.
My lips and tongue have turned black
from impatience to taste the recipe.

As for you, Smartass John,
You are the next John Dievel Divine.
Hence forth, hell is youe kingdom,
all mortals are your slaves,
and my daughter is yours for the taking!

The Speaker:
The newly coronated John Dievel Divine
was both surprised as puzzled.
He turned to Ra-Zhanna and asked:

King John Dievel Divine:
Mother Divine, I appreciate your consideration,
but where is the Princess?
Queen Ra-Zhanna:
Go ask your brothers.

The Speaker:
At the very moment the Sun
slid behind the clouds.
She was overcome with shame
That She was the mother of such a fool.

King John Dievel Divine:
The Speaker:
The entire court of Kingdom come
began to laugh.

My God, how funny!
With one leap he lept
from Smartass John
to King John Dievel Divine.
Yet, he is none the wiser.

King Johns’ Oldest brother:
First, bro, you must take
from King John Divine Dievel
his crane feathered boots,
and marinate your crotch in chocolate pudding.
The Speaker:
King John Dievel Divine had never heard
of such preposterous initiation ceremonies,
yet submitted. Then walked toward
King John Dievel’s coffin.

For her part, Queen Ra-Zhanna brought a diaper
filled with chocolate pudding and
had the entire officers corps
make John sit in it.

King John Dievel Divine surprised
Himself and everyone else,
When he made no protest, but asked:

King John Dievel Divine:
Where is my bride?

King Johns’ Oldest brother:
Brother, really,
Are you witless?
She is behind that door.

King John Dievel Divine:

(everyone pointing with a finger at a door)
There, John! There!

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