|The Prayer of a House. Goldenlocks (2)|
The Prince and Princess Goldenlocks (2)
A Rewritten Fairy Tale.
See Part 1 in previous blog.
Posted by © Eso A.B.
a.k.a. Eso Antons Benjamins
“Tell me, wise Giant of the Wood,” cried the Prince (when he and King Jiant met), “what medicine will cure my father?”
“Two apples from the Garden of Paradise,” promptly answered Jiant. "One already cured me."
“How do I get the apples?” asked Prince Jean Goldenlocks.
“Whack the big rock over there with a knotted oak stump!” answered Jiant. “Grab the apples the moment you see them. Do not linger no matter how nice everything around you may seem. Else, Paradise will keep you and not let you go.”
Prince Jean struck a large stone with the mace he had in hand. Only yesterday it had served him as his garden plow.
The stone opened, and before Prince Goldenlocks's eyes stretched a space of unpolluted air and the Garden of Paradise. It was a panoramic landscape with the sun at about 3 o’clock and a rainbow to the left behind a golden apple tree that stood in the middle. The moment the stone was open, two apples fell from the tree and rolled up to Goldenlocks feet..
Prince Goldenlocks grabbed the apples and ran for the real world. It was a close call. Prince Goldenlocks had to squeeze himself as thin as he could to get out of the rock in time.
When in the evening he arrived at an inn and wanted to slake his thurst, as he walked to the table, he was engulfed by an aroma of apples. Everyone looked up from their beers as he went by. The aroma was just like the one that the prince remembered from the time when he met the kitchen maid in the apple cellar and they gathered apples for apple pie.
By coincidence, Prince Goldenlocks happened to sit down at the same table at which sat his brothers-in-law, princes Jengland and Cornwall. They had come to discuss how best to take King Lear's kingdom not only from him, but also their wives. While Goldenlocks recognized the men, they did not recognize him. After the table mates, had toasted a mug of beer to each other, the brothers-in-law asked Goldenlocks what smelled so good.
Goldenlocks pulled out from his backpack the two apples and showed them to the princes. The princes wished to examine the apples more closely. The moment the princess held an apple in their hand, nothing could persuade them from wanting to buy them. There was a good reason for this: The moment they held an apple, it felt like they were having a orgasm that would not let go of them.
Prince Jean Goldenlocks did not ask the princes for money, but if they would allow him to tatoo on their backs the picture of a gallows. (The inn had a resident tatoo artist.) The princes agreed that it was a fair bargain, and, considering the wonder of the apples from Paradise, a cheap deal. As long as they could hold the apples, they were ready to endure the tattoo artist puncture their skin with needles from the top of their heads down to their toes. When the gallows were drawn, the brothers-in-law grabbed an apple each and ran for the door.
There was one big problem, however.
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Because the apples were never delivered to King Lear’s bedside, the King’s condition never improved.
In fact, the King had to get used to not only to being ill, but many unpleasant ideas besides.
One almost intolerable idea was that the swine herd Goldenlocks would get to sleep with his daughter Goldenlocks Struvelpeter, but he, the king, would not.
Another tormenting idea was that King Lear could not deny that he had ordered his son, Prince Goldenlocks, to be taken to the woods, and that he perhaps had been or perhaps was not killed there. This is why he was never sure that the swine herd was not the real Goldenlocks.
Despite these difficulties, the kingdom of Thebes struggled on. For all of his troubles, which actually began with his capture of the Giant of the Wood, King Lear was still the kingdom's King, and neither of his daughters, Jonerill or Le Zhan, or their respective husbands, princes Jengland or Cornwall had unseated him--yet. The best part of it all was, that the King was still alive and not dead.
This was probably the reason why the Kingdom of Thebes had not yet fallen down to the level, where a swineherd could afford it. The threat was real though: after he married Princes Goldenlocks, the swine herd now claimed to have always been a prince named Prince Goldenlocks.
Despite his illness, the old king was keen enough to hear about what had happened to the medicine that he was to receive from the Garden of Paradise.
The strange twist that the king gave to the story was that he did not blame princes Jengland and Cornwall for taking the apples from Prince Goldenlocks, but, but he was dumbfounded that Goldenlocks pretended to be such a saint that he could do without orgasms and would betray the king by forcing him to execute his own close relatives, and had even threatened his brothers-in-law with the gallows.
However, because the king did not die of an illness, everyone in Thebes came to believe that he was indeed cured.
Life went on. The princes Jengland and Cornwall became immensely popular, at least in their respective courts, because they not only let the apples be held by their wives, but these were happy to pass them around to their friends in the court. For a time, everyone got quite a Bang out of life. What later everyone said was that this is what true democracy should be like.
One day, King Lear, however, got hold of one of the apples of Paradise. It happened by an accident. A young lady of his court, was standing before him as if to ask a favour. She was batting her long eyelashes in such an obvious way that the king decided to take hold of her hand to see if he could waken her from her seizure. It was at that moment that the king also touched the apple of Paradise.
Bang, Bang went the king’s heart. He took the young lady by her hand, making sure that the apple stayed in it, and took her into his private study. No apples ever so lived up to their reputation as the one’s taken by Prince Goldenlocks from the Garden of Paradise.
King Lear took the apple from the young lady and made it his own==at last. He then asked his first secretary to bring him the next available maiden, and thereafter the next, and then the next. This is how eventually King Lear got to be called King Lear Bluebeard, the devourer of maidens.
Again, the Kingdom of Thebes was suffering a plague.
This time Prince Goldenlocks went to consult with the court magician. The magician’s name was Tiresias. Tiresias told Prince Jean Goldenlocks that only the milk from the breasts of the Snake Queen could cure King Lear this time.
Prince Goldenlocks ran into the wood for a second time. He again called for Jiant to help him.
“Hit the rock with your plow once again!” advised Jiant, “after he had heard the story”. For a moment he wondered if he would enjoy exchanging places with King Lear.
This time , however, the rock did not open to the Garden of Paradise, but to a scene out of ancient Egypt next to the pyramids. At the foot of a large pyramid sat the Snake Queen. Her breasts were bared and the milk of Cobra seeped from her nipples as when a child has just been removed from them. No child could be seen, but perhaps he lay somewhere about the nearby desert palms.
Prince Goldenlocks gathered the overflow of the Snake Queen's milk in two cups, which he had with him. Then, again, he ran for the exit. As he ran, he noticed that at the foot of the great Sphinx, which in those days was surrounded by a great wood, King Lear had brought a group of children and was about to sacrificing them to make him feel better. The unexpected vision made Goldenlocks run back for the exit and to the castle all the faster.
But, again, Goldenlocks met his brothers-in-law at the inn. Again they did not recognize him. Again they were meeting to plot a coup. Some fellow called Julian Assange was listening in on their conversations on the sly.
This time, the princes, asked to dip their fingers into the snake’s milk. They waned to make sure that it was real. It was. After they had licked their fingers, they could not be dissuaded not to buy the milk. Goldenlocks again took no money, but had the princes tatoo on their backs a wheel that is used to break the bones of dead men.
What makes the milk of the Snake Queen so desirable?
Actually, the milk of the Snake Queen makes one feel as if one is embraced by a porn movie. The television set is switched on for 24 hours. There is so much sex that it makes one believe that sex may be had even after death. It is not for nothing that dead Johns, who have tasted of the milk, are said to hang with an erection.
When the sons’ in-law of King Lear had drunk of the Snake Queen’s Milk, they were no longer satisfied with just sex and a kingdom. They wanted more. They wanted the world. They persuaded their wives to tell King Lear every day that he was getting increasingly senile.
King Lear resisted as long as he could and argued that one kingdom was enough. “Only one who is totally senile would think so”, answered hhis daughters. There was nothing even Assange could do. One day King Lear broke down and cried as he had read the playwright Shakeseare cry):
“'Tis our fast intent
To shake all cares and business from our age,
Conferring them on younger strengths, while we
Unburden'd crawl toward death."
|The Latvian Version of a Tunnel of Love.|
What being in possession of the apples and the milk meant, he was soon able to witness with his own eyes.
Soon after having they had all the sex they could handle, Princess Jengland and Cornwall turned their attentions to asset accumulation. Each prince in turn came to the conclusion that neither wanted to see tKing Lear’s kingdom divided, but that he would have it an undivided whole for himself alone. Moreover, the kingdom would then become, eventually, an empire.
It became inevitable, that the brothers-in-law, though neither one had yet drawn blood, declared war on each other. Each had the support of their wives, Princesses Goneril and Regan, which is why the sisters became friendlier with their husbands than with each other. When the sisters passed each other, they bared their teeth and hissed as real snakes.
The time had come for Goldenlocks to call Giant to come help again.
This time, Jiant gave Prince Goldenlocks an axe that danced in the hands, of whoever held it, as if it had a life of its own. Jiant advised, however, the young prince not to let the axe have its own will. The Prince was to use the sword just enough to ensure that if the feud among the brothers-in-law broke into the open, the fight ended in a draw.
Such a fight came about two times, and both times it ended in a draw.
The third time the brothers-in-law went to war with each other, Jiant told the Goldenlocks that the time had come for a victory. The sword was to be given a free hand. Prince Goldenlocks was to seize the kingdom of king Lear for his sister Princess Goldenlocks Struvelpeter.
Prince Goldenlocks won the battle and then handed the kingdom to his sister. The Princes then returned the kingdom of Thebes to her father.
To celebrate the regaining of his kingdom, the King decided to host another Celebration. Since this time the table arrangements were decided by the king. King Lear sat Prince Goldenlocks in a seat between his brothers-in-law. “Knowing how smart you are, Prince Goldenlocks, let me see how you do” said King Lear and wincked.
Again there came the moment that struck the princes Jengland and Cornwall mute. When they saw that their lives were in the hands of the swine herd Goldenlocks, the princes fell on their knees and begged him to spare their lives.
What was Goldenlocks to do?
Goldenlocks then lifted up his left arm in such a way that everyone could see that it was missing the small finger.
“This is what you cost me!” he said to princes Jengland and Cornwall. “Do you remember the time you chased me into the forest and wanted to sacrifice me because I tried to help the King of the Wood? I want no lesser sacrifice from both of you.”
The ambassador of the United States of America then stood up to defend Jengland and Cornwall. He turned to Prince Goldenlocks and said: “You, Sir, are—by the evidence of your missing little finger—a terrorist.”
“Go tell it to the Giant of the Wood,” answered Prince Goldenlocks, “Your country is the cause of draught and fires. Besides, why are you sending the FBI to Thebes? Wood and grass here are believed to be true gifts of eternity.”
Then the ambassador of Equador spoke up: “Why is Julian Assange hinding in the Embassy of Equador in London? Why is England, edged on by the U.S., threatening to break into our embassy and arrest Assange? Is that not state terrorism?”
Princes Jengland and Cornwall continued to make a yammer as if they were the Pussy Riot team from Moscow. However, this time Goldenlocks’s heart was as if made of iron. He had his guards separate Jengland and Cornwall from their cushioned seats. He then had the guards stretch out the left arms of the princes and place the little fingers of the hand on a butcher block. King Lear’s court executioner raised his axe, and it went “Chop!” and “Chop! ” twice.
After the ‘pinkies’ of the Princes fell to the ground, the executioner wrapped them in a white handkerchief. With ceremony the two handkerchiefs were then taken to Thebe’s central marketplace and placed on an eye-high stone slab.
For a whole week, whenever the Thebans’ went to the marketplace and passed by the stande they had to smell the rot of the princes’ flesh.
"That will teach them respect," said the people as they went buy. They also squeezed their noses. Still, the children wanted their parents to raise them up to see.
On the second week, the executioner was called again. This time, it was to untie the hankerchiefs and expose the fingers. Not surprisingly, the fingers soon disappeared. Attracted by the smell, they had long bee watched by a pair of ravens sitting in nearby trees. Now they were picked up and discposed of in a way only ravens can.
But it was not many days later, that Thebans were surprised to hear that, Alas!, King Lear had died.
Princess Goldenlocks being the one who had with the help of Prince Goldenlocks salvaged the kingdom, announced that it was only right that the next King of Thebes be her husband Goldenlocks, while she would be happy to be the Queen.
Jiant of the Wood would be the guest of honor at the wedding. King Goldenlocks also announced that henceforth there was to be no hunting of wild animals, and wild pigs were to be officially enlisted as soldiers fighting on behalf of the Kingdom of the Wood.
Jiant lived up to his reputation as wondermaker. He brought to the wedding a thousand bees' wax candles into which were imbedded the bristles of a thousand wild pigs. While the candles burned, the incense was so strong that ever since they have been used to overcome the stench of death the world over.
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