EC 438 / 12 Smartass John
Eso A.B.
Smartass John and Crazy Jane
Scene 11: Stroked By The Big Fish
Translation © Eso A.B.

Synopsis:  The Big Fish, actually the Baltic Sea itself, is none too happy to be stuck with the Godforsaken Balts, and gives Smartass John and his newfound treasure a big whack of its tail. The stroke sends the entire dune to Kingdom Come, which is the Kingdom of the Divine Dievel fighting to recapture God for itself. (For a more complete perspective on this story, please read blog 427—Introduction.)

                
The Speaker:
Smartass John fell from the sky
for a full 27 seconds,
which is equal to 267 meters
or 292.01 yards.
This is about as high as
Lookout Mountain,
the highest mountain in Livonia.

The sea rushed toward Smartass John

as fast as his mother’s swat
once rushed for his smartass cheek.
Fortunately, Smartass John fell
toward the dunes
that lined the seashore.
In what seemed a second,
he had been knocked out
and lay unconscious and fast asleep.

No matter.

By some act of the Divine Dievel,
he had fallen on dunes where
long ago pirates had hid
their booty, a huge pile
of Inca gold briks.

It is a wonder

of the world that no historian
has heard of Smartass John’s fall
from the sky.
Then again, they seem never
to have heard of the fur tax,
the beginning of the murder of life
on our planet,
and the creation of secular government.

The only witnesses to the fall from the sky

were Crazy Jane, the raven,
and the Big Fish. The Big Fish
was the same which had asked
Smartass John to ask the Sun
for how long it must remain
tied to the shores of the Baltic
and not be allowed to migrate
to the shores where palm trees
bathe their  coconuts
in the salts of the ocean.

When the Big Fish learned

that Smartass John had returned
from the Sun Mountain with news
that did not please her,
she raised her tail
and gave the Baltic a big whack.
It send Smartass John
and the buried treasure of gold
flying.

The lot landed by the same gate

of King John the Sun’s Own Dievel
where the King had met Smartass John before.
A party of greeters
was already waiting for him.
King John First and Ra-Zhanna
the proprietess of Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn
had become persuaded that
there was no way that Smartass John
would fail to return
with the wherewithal
for them to pursue the war
against the government of Glob
which had made God its own.

King John The Dievel and

Ra-Zhanna had prepared
even for a wedding.
It shows they knew
how to foretell the future.
They had discovered it
the moment they saw
the gleam in Crazy Jane’s eyes
after she and Smartass John
had given their sex pods
a trial run
at Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn
on St. Johns’ Eve.

Crazy Jane and Rozinante, too,
were waiting for Smartass John.
Rozinante was yoked to a wagon
that was like no other seen.
It was a juggernaut
ready to crush all who stood in its way.
he gold had already been piled
sky high. And there was more.
The wagon had sixteen wheels
and three axles.
As it moved it swayed
as a ship on high seas.

When Smartass awoke from his slumber,

The first thing he saw
were the eyes of Rozinante and Crazy Jane.

Crazy Jane:

Greetings, Smartass John!

The Speaker:

Smartass John raised himself up
and dusted the sand
out of the folds of his pants.

Smartass John:

What happened?

Crazy Jane:

Everything is fine, John.
Let us go to work.
There is more gold to be piled
into the wagons.

The Speaker:

Crazy Jane passed the reigns
of Rozinante
to one of the guards.

Crazy Jane:
You look like
You have had an,
especially interesting adventure.

The Speaker:

Said Crazy Jane
and sang “tral-la-la!”
Catch me if you can.