Smartass John and Crazy Jane
Scene 7: What It Takes to Bed Princess Unsurmountable
Translation © Eso A.B.
with the Devil’s boots facing backward,
and brought Smartass John
to the shores of the River Styx.
John found himself across from the gates of
the villa of King John the First,
the Sun’s own Divine Devil.
(Whether he is Son or Lover
is for others to discover.)
The King was surprised to see Smartass John
of whom he had heard numerous reports.
Rider and mare looked
as if they had witnessed doomsday.
The Sun’s Divine Devil saw immediately
that Rozinante wore his boots.
He said nothing.
for breaching the Kingdom’s border
the King waved his hand for them to desist.
The guards sprang to attention
„Long live, Kind John First
The Sun’s own Divine Devil Always.”
I come from the
When the Sun heard I was planning
to visit your kingdom,
She wished me luck and
asked me to present your Divinity
with this bearskin vest.
I know how one sweats there
out of respect.
What is your name, visitor?
My name is John Smartass.
his chest thrust out,
nose pointing to the sky,
and eyes rolling.
but stood barefoot.
The nails of his feet
were long, grey, and curly,
such as are in fashion
among very rich old men
(or such as have had their boots stolen).
If the guards had not saluted,
perhaps Smartass John
would have asked the king
to move out of his way.
for the hand of his daughter,
the ever lovely Princess Unsurpassable.
But don’t you think
that you are a bit old to venture marriage?
To hear himself called ‘old’
and looked at Rozinante,
Rozinante walked her master
to the edge of the River Styx,
where Smartass John saw
that indeed his hair had turned grey.
As you see, your Divine Highness,
my adventures have turned me
into a reverent philosopher.
However, rest assured
that after I take a bath
and dye my hair black,
I will look half my age.
Still, my daughter Unsurmountable
is a virgin, because
no man has brought me the
wagonload of gold,
I need to wage my war
against God, the government man.
Have you perhaps brought me
such a wagonload of gold with you?
Just tell me where it is,
and I will bring it to you.
the nail on the head.
It is up to you to find and bring
the gold to me.
I am no more a young man myself.
If you truly wish to rock and roll
in bed with Princess Unsurmoutable,
gold is the price of a lecher’s ticket
to the side of your nuptials bed
as that lecherour painter Picasso foretold
when he visited with me and painted
life at my court.
will your Divine Highness perhaps
let me have a peek at the Princess?
in Smartass John’s pants,
it had occurred to him that
perhaps Princess Unsurpassable
(and heretofore Unsurmoutable)
grew nails similar to those of her father
and was not as attractive
as he had first imagined her.
I guarantee that as soon as you
bring me the gold,
Princess Unsurmounted will be yours
to surmount. http://www.jdsmithfineart.com/wp-content/uploads/Picasso_Litho_OldKing_CU01.jpg
She will bring you and me
such joys as we have never enjoyed before.
And bid adieu to King John
the Sun’s Divine Devil.
He took the harness off Rozinante,
but left the Divine Devils boots on
(just in case).
He let the mare graze
in the King’s field of oats.
Then he, too, went for a walk
through the wood,
and tried to puzzle out where to find
the gold that would buy King John
the Divine Devil his ticket
to the peek-a-boo show.
Those were not yet the days,
when banks could print as much
fiat currency as they wished
to deposit in their vaults.
One thing for sure:
Smartass John knew
he was not going to go dig for it.
There had to be some other way.
Smartass John paced through the wood
But came evening,
he still had not figured out
where to find the gold.
It was then that he remembered
The gifts that Crazy Jane
Had gifted him with
after they had met at Old Ra-Zhanna’s
if the gold ring was wrapped in it.
It was, and Smartass John started polishing it.
He fervently hoped that Crazy Jane’s gift
was not an April joke on him.