EC 434 / 8 Smartass John
Eso A.B.
Smartass John and Crazy Jane
Scene 7: What It Takes to Bed Princess Unsurmountable
Translation © Eso A.B.

Synopsis: After reminding Smartass John that She is the only Sun and that there is no other Sun before her,  the Sun chases him off her estate, where She sulks over the insult received from the descendants of John the Devine Devil, the Great-great grandfather of the Balts. Rozinante takes Smartass John to the gate of the summer villa of King John the Sun’s Divine Devil. The villa belongs to another time. It stands on the shores of the River Styx. Since the beginning of the tale, both King and Smartass John, have become old men. It is no longer youth and sex, but gold and lechery that sustain them. (For a better perspective on this story, please read blot 427--Introduction)

The Poet:

Rozinante slid down Sun Mountain
with the Devil’s boots facing backward,
and brought Smartass John
to the shores of the River Styx.
John found himself across from the gates of
the villa of King John the First,
the Sun’s own Divine Devil.
(Whether he is Son or Lover
is for others to discover.)

It so happened that the King

was taking a walk through his wood.
The King was surprised to see Smartass John
of whom he had heard numerous reports.
Rider and mare looked
as if they had witnessed doomsday.
The Sun’s Divine Devil saw immediately
that Rozinante wore his boots.
He said nothing.

When the guards at the gate

were about to arrest Smartass John
for breaching the Kingdom’s border
the King waved his hand for them to desist.
The guards sprang to attention
And saluted:
„Long live, Kind John First
The Sun’s own Divine Devil Always.”

King John First:

Do we have another spammer
from Livonia come to the Holy Land?

Smartass John:

Your Highness,
I come from the Sun Mountain
When the Sun heard I was planning
to visit your kingdom,
She wished me luck and
asked me to present your Divinity
with this bearskin vest.

King John First:

I, too, have been on Sun Mountain.
I know how one sweats there
out of respect.
What is your name, visitor?

Smartass John:
My name is John Smartass.

The Poet:

Smartass John stood
his chest thrust out,
nose pointing to the sky,
and eyes rolling.

He, thus, soon noticed

that King John wore no boots,
but stood barefoot.
The nails of his feet
were long, grey, and curly,
such as are in fashion
among very rich old men
(or such as have had their boots stolen).
If the guards had not saluted,
perhaps Smartass John
would have asked the king
to move out of his way.

King John First:

What wind blows you here?

Smartass John:

I have come to ask the King
for the hand of his daughter,
the ever lovely Princess Unsurpassable.

King John First:

I am flattered, sir,
But don’t you think
that you are a bit old to venture marriage?

The Poet:

Smartass John was surprised
To hear himself called ‘old’
and looked at Rozinante,
for confirmation.
Rozinante walked her master
to the edge of the River Styx,
where Smartass John saw
that indeed his hair had turned grey.

Smartass John:
As you see, your Divine Highness,
my adventures have turned me
into a reverent philosopher.
However, rest assured
that after I take a bath
and dye my hair black,
I will look half my age.

King John First:

May it be so, sir.
Still, my daughter Unsurmountable
is a virgin, because
no man has brought me the
wagonload of gold,
I need to wage my war
against God, the government man.
Have you perhaps brought me
such a wagonload of gold with you?

Smartass John:

That is no problem, your Highness.
Just tell me where it is,
and I will bring it to you.

King John First:

Smartass John, you hit
the nail on the head.
It is up to you to find and bring
the gold to me.
I am no more a young man myself.
If you truly wish to rock and roll
in bed with Princess Unsurmoutable,
gold is the price of a lecher’s ticket
to the side of your nuptials bed
as that lecherour painter Picasso foretold
when he visited with me and painted
life at my court.

Smartass John:

Before I bring the gold,
will your Divine Highness perhaps
let me have a peek at the Princess?

The Poet:

Though a flashlight flashed red
in Smartass John’s pants,
it had occurred to him that
perhaps Princess Unsurpassable
(and heretofore Unsurmoutable)
grew nails similar to those of her father
and was not as attractive
as he had first imagined her.

King John First:

Do not fear, Smartass John!
I guarantee that as soon as you
bring me the gold,
Princess Unsurmounted will be yours
to surmount. http://www.jdsmithfineart.com/wp-content/uploads/Picasso_Litho_OldKing_CU01.jpg
She will bring you and me
such joys as we have never enjoyed before. 

The Poet:

Smartass John tipped his hat
And bid adieu to King John
the Sun’s Divine Devil.
He took the harness off Rozinante,
but left the Divine Devils boots on
(just in case).
He let the mare graze
in the King’s field of oats.
Then he, too, went for a walk
through the wood,
and tried to puzzle out where to find
the gold that would buy King John
the Divine Devil his ticket
to the peek-a-boo show.
Those were not yet the days,
when banks could print as much
fiat currency as they wished
to deposit in their vaults.
One thing for sure:
Smartass John knew
he was not going to go dig for it.
There had to be some other way.

Smartass John paced through the wood

for a long time.
But came evening,
he still had not figured out
where to find the gold.
It was then that he remembered
The gifts that Crazy Jane
Had gifted him with
after they had met at Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn
in Livonia on St. Johns Eve.

Smartass John pulled from his pocket

the silk handkerchief and felt too see
if the gold ring was wrapped in it.
It was, and Smartass John started polishing it.
He fervently hoped that Crazy Jane’s gift
was not an April joke on him.