Sunday, October 12, 2014

EC 430 / 4 Smartass John
Eso A.B.
Smartass John and Crazy Jane
Scene 3 / A Day Filled with Foreboding
 Translated by © Eso A.B.
Synopsis: The Sun rises and discovers the entire younger generation of Latvians contemptuous of the Sun and the traditions of their older generations. The Sun determines to put an end to ‘selfish rights’ at the expense of the community. She warns Crazy Jane of what is about to happen. Crazy Jane, madly in love with Smartass John cannot resist warning him of the Sun’s plans. Smartass John in turn warns his brothers. Scared to death of death, they all determine to survive alive at the expense of the seven daughters of Old Ra-Zhanna. They treat the young witches to a potion known as Riga Bubbly.
The Poet:
The Sun rose with a smile,
but soon showed signs of disaffection.
Something was not right.
Green, red, yellow and blue colors
danced across the face of the Sun.
The sky shook as if were shaky jelly.
The Sun:            
Are those my daughters there
sleeping on the barroom tables?
Who are those men
Sleeping on the floor?
They’re not anything
like the Latvians I know.
Crazy Jane:
Good morning, mother Sun!
Me and by beau John here,
We have come to the Sun Mountain
to greet you for real.
The Sun:
That is nice of you, thanks.
But excuse me,
all my long life,
I have never seen anything like this
at Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn.
The Poet:
The Sun cast a fierce eye
on the old inn once more.
Never before had it become
a retreat for legislative rats.
The Sun let go a scream
and pulled her dress over Her head
to reveal Her true nature.
The Sun:
I will tell of this to my Ra-Zhannas.
They will chew their toes
And scream all night
until Moses comes
and rewrites
the 11th Commandment.
The Poet:
Smartass John hid
Behind Crazy Jane’s back.
To appease the Sun
Crazy Jane started singing
the national anthem
Of proto-Latvians:
Crazy Jane:
O, bless Jerusalem (of the wood).
Our beloved motherland
(where the Sun
is our only hairdresser).
Bless, O bless Jerusalem,
sing halle-lui-ah.
The Poet:
The Sun listened and snorted.
then leaned close to Crazy Jane’s ear,
and whispered.
Whatever it was she said,
Crazy Jane was shook.
Crazy Jane:
By the God’s Own Devil,
please don’t do it, grandmother!
The Sun:
It will be as I say.
Off with their heads.
It is the only way
to save what remains holy.
The Poet:
Have you ever wondered
why an orgasm happens
between our legs
and not between our ears?
When Smartass John and Crazy Jane
Returned to Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn
Smartass John collapsed.
Crazy Jane had to smack his face
With her teats to bring him back to.
When Smartass John revived,
It was time to attend to Rozinante.
But Crazy Jane had already
Combed the mare’s mane
And brushed her hide.
The Poet:
On his way to the horse stall,
Smartass John met his brothers.
Six Brothers of John:
Greetings, Smartass John!
Ha, ha, ha!
“What’s new bro?
What happened to you?
We had a hell of a ball.
Too bad you missed it.
Ha, ha, ha!
Smartass John:
If I am to judge
By the turned over tables and stools,
and cracked dishes,
you had one hell of a time.
But do not worry,
You will be amazed by the bill
Six Brothers to John:
Plausible deniability
will speak for us.
Ra-Zhanna’s daughters did it.
Smartass John:
The blade that will slice
off your heads
is being sharpened in the kitchen
this very moment.
Six Brothers to John:
Is this another one of your fantasies?
Ha, ha, ha!
We’d rather have eggs
sunnyside up
with deep fried crickets
and chantrelle mushrooms.
Smartass John:
I am not kidding you.
Come closer. I have something
to confide to you in all secrecy.
Bend me your ears.
The Poet:
All six brothers listened
to Smartass John unbelievingly.
Say All:
We don’t believe it.
Choirs (left):
By God’s Own Devil!
What do we do now?
Smartass John:
If you wish to live
then listen to my advice,
and do as I say.
Six Brothers to John:
Yes, yes! Smartass John,
You’re the smartest of them all.
Smartass John:
You should know that
the 11th Commandment favors the Princes.
To get their bill
for increased
federal taxes passed,
they will jerk off anyone.
Let us not be their jerks.
Let them jerk off
Old Ra-Zhanna’s daughters instead.
Here is my plan:
When we and our Janes
meet tonight in the hayloft,
we’ll treat them to a glass
of Riga Bubbly.
But here—mix in this powder.
The Poet:
It was a sleeping powder
that would put to sleep
anyone who took it.
Smartass John:
When the Jane’s are asleep,
take from their heads their flower wreaths.
and replace them with our oakleaf crowns.
Put the flower wreaths on your own heads,
then we roll the Janes to the side
of the attic boardwalk.
As for ourselves,
We will climb to the top of the haypile
and watch what happens.

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