EC 430 / 4 Smartass John

Eso A.B.

Smartass John and Crazy Jane

Scene 3 / A Day Filled with Foreboding

 Translated by © Eso A.B.

 

Synopsis: The Sun rises and discovers the entire younger generation of Latvians contemptuous of the Sun and the traditions of their older generations. The Sun determines to put an end to ‘selfish rights’ at the expense of the community. She warns Crazy Jane of what is about to happen. Crazy Jane, madly in love with Smartass John cannot resist warning him of the Sun’s plans. Smartass John in turn warns his brothers. Scared to death of death, they all determine to survive alive at the expense of the seven daughters of Old Ra-Zhanna. They treat the young witches to a potion known as Riga Bubbly.

 

The Poet:

The Sun rose with a smile,

but soon showed signs of disaffection.

Something was not right.

Green, red, yellow and blue colors

danced across the face of the Sun.

The sky shook as if were shaky jelly.

 

The Sun:            

Are those my daughters there

sleeping on the barroom tables?

Who are those men

Sleeping on the floor?

They’re not anything

like the Latvians I know.

 

Crazy Jane:

Good morning, mother Sun!

Me and by beau John here,

We have come to the Sun Mountain

to greet you for real.

 

The Sun:

That is nice of you, thanks.

But excuse me,

all my long life,

I have never seen anything like this

at Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn.

 

The Poet:

The Sun cast a fierce eye

on the old inn once more.

Never before had it become

a retreat for legislative rats.

 

The Sun let go a scream

and pulled her dress over Her head
to reveal Her true nature.

 

The Sun:

I will tell of this to my Ra-Zhannas.

They will chew their toes

And scream all night

until Moses comes

and rewrites

the 11^th Commandment.

 

The Poet:

Smartass John hid

Behind Crazy Jane’s back.

To appease the Sun

Crazy Jane started singing

the national anthem

Of proto-Latvians:

 

Crazy Jane:

O, bless Jerusalem (of the wood).

Our beloved motherland

(where the Sun

is our only hairdresser).

Bless, O bless Jerusalem,

sing halle-lui-ah.

 

The Poet:

The Sun listened and snorted.

then leaned close to Crazy Jane’s ear,

and whispered.

Whatever it was she said,

Crazy Jane was shook.

 

Crazy Jane:

By the God’s Own Devil,

please don’t do it, grandmother!

 

The Sun:

It will be as I say.

Off with their heads.

It is the only way

to save what remains holy.

 

The Poet:

Have you ever wondered

why an orgasm happens

between our legs

and not between our ears?

 

When Smartass John and Crazy Jane

Returned to Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn

Smartass John collapsed.

Crazy Jane had to smack his face

With her teats to bring him back to.

 

When Smartass John revived,

It was time to attend to Rozinante.

But Crazy Jane had already

Combed the mare’s mane

And brushed her hide.

 

The Poet:

On his way to the horse stall,

Smartass John met his brothers.

 

Six Brothers of John:

Greetings, Smartass John!

Ha, ha, ha!

“What’s new bro?

What happened to you?

We had a hell of a ball.

Too bad you missed it.

Ha, ha, ha!

 

Smartass John:

If I am to judge

By the turned over tables and stools,

and cracked dishes,

you had one hell of a time.

But do not worry,

You will be amazed by the bill

 

Six Brothers to John:

Plausible deniability

will speak for us.

Ra-Zhanna’s daughters did it.

 

Smartass John:

The blade that will slice

off your heads

is being sharpened in the kitchen

this very moment.

 

Six Brothers to John:

Is this another one of your fantasies?

Ha, ha, ha!

We’d rather have eggs

sunnyside up

with deep fried crickets

and chantrelle mushrooms.

 

Smartass John:

I am not kidding you.

Come closer. I have something

to confide to you in all secrecy.

Bend me your ears.

 

The Poet:

All six brothers listened

to Smartass John unbelievingly.

 

Say All:

We don’t believe it.

 

Choirs (left):

By God’s Own Devil!

What do we do now?

 

Smartass John:

If you wish to live

then listen to my advice,

and do as I say.

 

Six Brothers to John:

Yes, yes! Smartass John,

You’re the smartest of them all.

 

Smartass John:

You should know that

the 11^th Commandment favors the Princes.

To get their bill

for increased

federal taxes passed,

they will jerk off anyone.

Let us not be their jerks.

Let them jerk off

Old Ra-Zhanna’s daughters instead.

 

Here is my plan:

When we and our Janes

meet tonight in the hayloft,

we’ll treat them to a glass

of Riga Bubbly.

But here—mix in this powder.

 

The Poet:

It was a sleeping powder

that would put to sleep

anyone who took it.

 

Smartass John:

When the Jane’s are asleep,

take from their heads their flower wreaths.

and replace them with our oakleaf crowns.

Put the flower wreaths on your own heads,

then we roll the Janes to the side

of the attic boardwalk.

As for ourselves,

We will climb to the top of the haypile

and watch what happens.