EC 428/ 2 Smartass John

© Eso A.B.

Smartass John and Crazy Jane

Scene 1: (Children of the Witch and God’s Own Devil)

Translated by © Eso A.B.

Synopsis: Smartass John announces to his six brothers that the time has come to join the annual ritual of ‘community reconstitution’ at the Old Witch’s Inn. The preparations are elaborate and begin with the raising of horses and the journey to the ritual site. Because the communal ties have already loosened, the six brothers of Smartass John leave him behind and, driven by erections caused by naked nature, ride off by themselves. Smartass John rides last, nevertheless, dreaming of the pleasures he is likely to enjoy when meeting Crazy Jane.
The Poet:

Once upon a time there lived

Smartass John. Smartass John

was so smart

that soon after he was born

he already knew to tell

his six elder brothers

not to marry before he was grown.

 

Because this telling seemed

unusual and possibly smart,

the brothers of Smartass John,

--all slow thinkers—

agreed to wait for him.

 

Many years passed.

At least twenty.

When time was done

Smartass John knew

that he was possessed

by a being of an ancient Balt,

whose name was God’s Own Devil.

 

One day God’s Own Devil,

who resided within Smartass John,

spoke to Smartass John thusly:

“Listen, Smartass,

I feel an erection coming on.

I believe the time has come

to go looking for brides for ourselves.”

 

Smartass John then went

to speak to his six brothers.

 

Smartass John:
“Brothers, day after tomorrow,

comes Midsummer’s Eve.

All Johns, whether Smartass or not,

will celebrate it.

God’s Own Devils

will be getting together with

the Witch’s seven daughters.

It has come to my ears

That there will be a brau-ha-ha

at the Witch’s Inn.

The “Lesser Johns”, a band of pagans

will play crazy waltzes.

Let us go and take the Witch’s daughters

and whittle them

until they become our brides.”.

 

Chorus (left):

In Latvian a witch is called

Ra-Zhanna.

Ra-Zhanna is called in English

Sun’s Crazy Jane.

 

Chorus (right and left):

Yes, yes! The Old Witch is,

innkeeper, mother, and Madam.

As the Irish poet* said

(so says also the Witch):
"For nothing can be sole or whole
that has not been rent."
The time of the whole is ripe for rending.

All Six Brothers:

“That’s very nice!

But we have no horses to get there.

How are we to come by the horses?”

 

Smartass John:

Do not worry, brothers.

That is no problem.

It’s nothing special!

Go catch me seven crickets.

I will fix the rest.

 

Chorus:

Smartass’ brothers left to catch crickets.

 

Chorus (left):

Because the brothers

lived not far from Jerusalem

which is by the sea,

they caught the crickets in the sand dunes.

They then put the crickets

into a sack and brought them,

and put at Smartass John’s feet.

 

Chorus (right):

Smartass John invited his brothers

to come with him to the beach.

 

The Poet:

When all seven brothers had come

to the Sea of Livonia,

Smartass John opened the sack

And shook all crickets into the sand

Just as the smallest of waves

came washing over them.

 

The crickets tried to escape

and jumped high,

but fell back into the sea

where shallow waves washed over them again.

When the crickets had stopped jumping,

Smartass John washed them clean

Of all sand.

 

All six brothers of Smartass John

stood with their mouths wide open.

“What a Smartass,” they spoke among themselves.

Their mouths opened even wider,

when the crickets

encased in a financial bubble

jumped up once more

and turned into seven horses.

 

The six brothers did not waste any time.

They picked their horses and rode off.

They left Smartass brother John

a mare called Rose.

The mare was the same,

which in days past had carried

God’s Own Devil John Don Quixote

Against many windmills.

 

The mare, also known as Rosinante,

seemed a little tired,

but when tested,

was sprightly.

 

Still, by the time Smartass John

was ready to ride,

His six brothers were already

halfway to Ra-Zhanna’s Inn.

Smartass John did not mind

the hurry of his brothers.

Even though God’s own Devil in his pants

Begged to rest on Crazy Jane’s thighs.