Sunday, May 10, 2009

6 John the Awesome

Few of us would question if Ivan the Terrible (Ivan being the name for John in Russian) was truly terrible. History ascribes to Ivan terrible things, even as it does to him terrible things, not least mistranslating his name. Terrible need not be terrible if it is in fact awesome. Thus, it may be that Ivan, John in English, was not Terrible, but Awesome.

The name John has had many adventures. Here is one almost everyone knows, but in a more polite version. Here is the real story.

Most of us have heard of John the Baptist. He is one of the lead figures in the New Testament. He baptizes people by the River Jordan, among them a young man named Jesus. The king cannot tolerate John. After all, the king believes that the head of the community should be the king, not John. After all, who is John, but some camel herder taking advantage of the reputation of another herder, a goatherd, moreover one who lived long ago and went by the name of Yitzhak. Why should the people be flocking to John, when they should be coming to me, the king?.

The king does “fixes” John and fixes him good.

The king invites John to his castle on the pretext that he wishes to be baptized, too. John comes of course. However, when John arrives, he is surprised the great to do. At first, he is fed all kinds of dainties, given a drink made of camels milk steeped in Johns Grass, and then he is asked to a show. The show is a full-press porno. Naked young women who have oiled themselves with odorous spices and darkened with coal their eyes, nipples, and other orifices, come to dance in front of him.

When John protests and wishes to rise from his chair to leave, rightly suspecting a trap, alas, Johns Grass has done its thing. He has become relaxed enough to have an erection. If he rose, everyone would of course see his embarrassment and have a good laugh. Worse, this is when a beautiful young maiden kneels before him and asks him if he would baptize her by letting her suck him off. To make sure there he does not escape, two guards hold John in his seat, and just as he is spilling his seed, a third guard (mercy be!) grabs him by his hair, accuses him of insulting the king, and chops off his head.

Not only has John lost his head, but his reputation as well. Everyone hears the story, but much changed. The king’s court releases a story of how John tried to get down on Salome and… lordy lord!

Because of the scandal, the king takes over John’s office. Which raises a question: Why was John, the camel herder, the spiritual leader of the community, but not the king?

Before we go on about the adventures of the name of Awesome John, here is important information about the name John itself. Where does the name come from? What does it mean?

As busts of important men and women eventually fall off their pediments and are covered by dust and overgrown with brambles, so with the name of John. However, instead of dust and brambles, John is buried by different pronunciations of his initial letter J.

For example, in reality, John is a cognate (that is to say, it is one and the same name) for Ivan, Ian, Jan, Janis, Janus, Jean, Johann, Hans, Han, Huan, Hunnapuh, Gion, Giovanni, Gans, Dion, Don and many many more. Similarly, John is the source of many derivative names. For example, gendarme, gene, gong, dzhong, janitor, gentleman, dungeon, wohn, zion, all have their origin in the name John. The God Wotan is another John the Awesome, in this case the name John being pronounced as Wohn, a hint of which remains in the German name for apartment, re Wohnung.

John is also closely associated with the Sun, the Sun being his mother. Unfortunately, this fact is hid either by changing the gender of the Sun to male gender [as, for example, Sonne (f. Old English)] or by telling his story in such a way as to divert attention from the original story. For example, the Sumerian Goddess Iananna was the original Sumerian Sun Goddess, while Dumuzi, her son, was no other than Awesome John.

John also appears in the most ancient of all stories, Gilgamesh, as the kings closest friend, Enkidu [Yenki, Yenkidu, Hunnapuh?]. Enkidu is described as a wild-man, though he most likely is a goatherd. A temple whore tricks Enkidu. She gets Enkidu-John to abandon his flock in the countryside and come with her to the city.

John lives to regret the move. The reason is similar to that of John the Baptist. The whore was sent to John by Gilgamesh, the king, who tricks John out of his spiritual office by compromising him with the dazzle of his worldly court.

The story about John repeats itself time after time after time. We get it as late as Molliere in his play “Don Juan”. Destined for great things, John, again, burns out sooner chasing after women and sex than become the king of his community.

Is John that weak a character? Does the name of John do no more than buy him a ticket to a Can-can show? Does John always fall for the king’s ruse to do him out of his humanity?

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