EC 695 @ http://esoschronicles.blogspot.com/

King Cain

The Story Of Pre-Calendar Christianity

 By © Es^o Anton Vendamenc, 2019

19 THE MITTENS OF ONAN

After Cain had killed his daughter’s lamb, Charma (aka Calmana,Carmena), his wife, abandoned and cursed him.

“No woman will sleep with you for her pleasure”, Charma screamed as she left the castle and slammed the gate behind her. “May a thousand maids fuck you with their backs turned to.”

“So what?” answered Cain. “I’ll get a mirror, and watch them hang out their tongues all the same.”

“They will then fuck you with their eyes closed,” retorted Charma and was off to the Ever-present that leaves no trace of itself and no one of time can enter but in dreams.

Having become a man out of Nature, Cain could no longer think of love in any other way than make fuck. But fuck without love soon became boring. When compelled to come visit the King, women brought with them a specially knit mitten. It was knit of lamb’s wool, which was—as lamb’s wool is—soft and slippery, and was called Onan (Oh no!). Some said that Onan was a name that had once belonged to the lamb of Cain’s daughter.

As the maids took turns squatting over the king’s penis and winged their knees to rouse it, they took the opportunity to sheathe it in a mitten. If more than one woman did so, they sang the song the Three Witches had once sung to King Macbeth:

May lizards splay

Their leg for you

And howlets scream

Tales of faked pleasure

Without end.

To heighten the charm of the moment, women also boiled a kettle of water. When the water was at full boil, they dipped a living cat’s tail in it. The result was as empathetic an orgasm as Shakespeare could imagine.

Nevertheless, this little bedroom drama exited the king, and—if the maid knew her trade—caused him to have a premature ejaculation.

Only then did King Cain begin to understand what God’s revenge (a loveless orgasm) for disbelief was about. As the number of loveless orgasms grew in number, Cain felt ever more abandoned and his prayers grew desperate. At times he scratched himself bloody, poured salt on his wounds, and threw ashes over his head.

Though friends tried to comfort him, Cain would not be comforted. His friends then brought the King a book called ‘The Vivre’. The king read the book until he came to the story of Job. He read the story several times.

The result was unexpected.

King Cain began to believe that that the Vivre was a book about him. He imagined that he understood why Job had made God and the Devil into make-believe Beings. The only trouble was that such make-believe caused God and the Devil to ask a make-believe question: “Job, just how many herds of camels, millions of dollars, and porn movies will make you happy? 

“A few weeks ago the lottery winnings stood at 11 million dollars. At tomorrow’s drawing that figure is 62 million. If no one wins, the week after it may be 72 million or more.”

The Devil gave Job additional advice: “Keep praying that everyone loses until the lottery goes over a 100 million dollars. Your pain and suffering is worth no less. I am sure that if you win a 100 million, God will have enable you to buy porn without end.”

20 THE STORY OF ‘WHO’ THE CAT

Magdalene came into King Cain’s life by way of the kitchen, where she worked as a maid. She became the King’s familiar after she presented him with Who.

In the vernacular of the Kingdom, a woman’s genitalia is called ‘pussy’, which is an endearment. King Cain took the present of Who, who was a cat, as a sign that Magdalena was inviting him to stroke her.

Though Magdalene was aware of the erotic symbolism, she had another symbolism on her mind. Indeed, Magdalene presented Who to the king not as a sign that Who or she were in want of the King’s touch, but in order to persuade him that she and Who were as much a life and soul as Cain was. Who was not just an it. Nor was Magdalene’s pussy just an it. Nor had the slaughtered lamb been an it. Who was as much Who, as she was Magdalene, and the King was Cain, as Jesus was Jesus, and as Job was Job.

When Magdalene realized that Cain had misinterpreted her gift, she could not undo her present, and had to let him stroke her. This is how she came to learn that deprivation of love had humbled the King. His touch had become gentle, because he was hoping that in this way he would be able to persuade Magdalene to invite him to have intercourse with her.

For seven years Magdalene kept her resolve and did no more than stroke the King with the gloves of Onan. No matter how much the King pleaded and strutted about the bedroom with his cock raised, she did no more. And every time she repeated for the King the story of Who.

“Once upon a time in Khazaria,” the story began, “there lived a man named Job. Job had a cat named Who.

“It happened that along with taking his wealth, God denied Job all the women whose company he had once enjoyed. With Job’s business (raising camels and other domesticated animals) destroyed by bankruptcy, Job could no longer exchange his livestock for the daughters of woodsmen who were hoping to exchange them for a post in the king’s service.

“Had it not been for Who, who was a possessive and territorial cross between a Siamese and Angora cat, Job would have been left—except for his Phoenx (which had a mind of its own and was also known as Penis)—in desperate straits. It was fortunate that Job, Who, and Phoenix together made for a consubstantial Being, which is to say, they were one and the same, a trinity like that of the Christians: God, Son, and the Holy Ghost.

“As is a cat’s wont, Who slept wherever he pleased. While at night Who hunted mice in the eaves of the castle, every morning the cat jumped on Job’s bed, crawled under his blanket, and purred the anthem of Catalunia.

“As Cain put his hand under the blanket to stroke Who’s back, he also fingered the feathers of his rising Phoenix. Because the bird never took flight, Cain came to realize that it was not women, but addiction to sex that led him to over extend himself. When all was said and done, it was sexual incontinence that had caused his bankruptcy.

“Cain also began to understand that bankruptcy had resulted, because he had not given sufficient attention to the rise of the city, where because of the rising population his executive, his younger brother Seth, grew increasingly powerful. To keep the rising numbers of people in the city from starving, Seth persuaded the King to clear a sizable piece of land of his vast land of trees and become a lord of farmers. It was in this or some such way that the roles of the Sacred King and the executive king came to be reversed.

“At least, this is how the elders of the wood told the story after they too had been forced to go live in the city, where they exchanged their status of elders for that of pensioners:

“What had once been a shelter for the night in the wood for herders, their donkeys, and lambs, became (as we might say today) a ‘shit up’ Jerusalem.

“The once upon time Jerusalem of the wood (see Ch 20 for origin of name) had been let carelessly grow into a city. Seth, the executive king, became more powerful than Job, the King-Priest, whom he let become a lord, but kept him a subordinate nevertheless.

“When Abel would not agree to abandon his herds in the wood as his brother had, Job followed the orders of Seth, and had Abel slain. Seth then took advantage of the circumstances and began to call Cain a ‘pagan’, a murderer of his brother Abel.

“Job’s misfortune was also visited upon his cat Who. The two became separated. This happened when Job had to attend to one of his farms in Oklahoma, and he left Who in care of a friend who lived in California.

“Who did not care for the arrangement. An independent spirit, he up and disappeared. Fourteen months later and 1500 miles* away Who appeared in Oklahoma, where he had never been before. One morning Job found Who waiting for him at the door to the cow shed.

*Sugar, the cat http://weeklyworldnews.com/mutants/9544/psychic-pets/

“By what means had Who achieved this incredible feat?

“The only answer that made sense to Job was ‘prayer’. Evidently Who had prayed that he would find Job, and prayer—however cats pray—had led him to Oklahoma. Who’s faith had enabled him to cross highways, rivers, forests, and deserts, at a pace of a 1000 miles per month.

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“If you wish to be wealthy again,” God told Job, “Go play the lottery. If you wish to see me, have the courage to fast. I may then visit you in your dream.”