EC 441 / 15 Smartass John

Eso A.B.

Smartass John and Crazy Jane

Scene 14: Time of the Re-Erection

Translation © Eso A.B.

 

Synopsis:  Smartass John Dievel is led to the bedroom door and pushed inside, where he is met by Princess Unsurpassable (Crazy Jane) and her mother Ra-Zhanna, who is to be witness to their wedding night. The performance of the newly married leaves little to be desired, which is proved by the baskets of euros that are collected even though the economy of Europe is going to hell. When Ra-Zhanna, aka the Sun, takes off the bag of night from her head and shines,  King John Dievel The Younger declares: My Dievel sings like a rooster. „Come, come, come here, Jane! It’s re-re-re-erection time.”  (For a more complete perspective on this story, please read blog 427—Introduction.)

 

The Speaker:

When the new King came close

to the bedroom door,

his brother whispered to him:

 

When the door opens, John,

you will see a bed.

You must not hesitate,

but run and jump in it without delay

if you want

the Princess Unsurpassable sizzlingly hot.

 

King Dievel’s brother then took

the King by the hand, opened the door,

and shoved him inside.

 

King John Dievel The Younger

Went into shock almost immediately.

He felt something soft next to him.

Believing it was Princess Unsurpassable,

seized her. Alas, it was a rubber balloon.

At the same moment, there opened another door

and in came Crazy Jane and her mother Ra-Zhanna.

Crazy Jane held a largee candelabra

With twenty-seven burning candles

in one hand, while in the other she held

a sack of Old King John’s old boots.

Old Ra-Zhanna wore a black hood over

And mooed like a cow mooes at night.

Crazy tossed the pigskin boots on the bed:

 

Crazy Jane:

Here, John,

but for one pair that is mine,

these are all yours now.

Do right by them.

My mother Ra-Zhanna

will be umpire and watch

you do honor them.

 

King John Dievel The Younger:

Crazy Jane, Princes Unsurpassable!

What will I do with boots in bed?

 

Crazy Jane Unsurpassable:

If the U.S. troops put boots on the ground,

in Baghdad, we put boots in bed.

Put them on.

and we will discover Jerusalem!

 

The Speaker:

The Dievel put on

The feathered boots,

and was trembling instantly.

Worse was to come.

 

Crazy Jane put on gloves

and pulled from the sack

a bundle of nettles,

and tossed it

on John’s naked belly.

 

The Speaker:

Crazy Jane pulled up her skirt

jumped across John’s belly

and yelled: „Let us roll, John! Let us roll!”

 

From the other side of the door came laughter.

including that of Rozinante.

 

Crazy Jane went to the door.

put her hand in the mailbox,

and pulled from it

several fistfulls of hundred euro bills.

 

Crazy Jane:

See this?

There is more!

I want all

the European Central Bank

can print in a fortnight.

We have not reached Jerusalem yet.

 

The Speaker:

King John Dievel

and Crazy Jane,

thus, tussled through

a field of nettles and hay

for at least an hour.

 

Then, except for heavy breathing,

 there set in silence.

 

Crazy Jane:

What do you think, mother?

 

The Speaker:

Ra-Zhanna, who had silently watched,

now took the black bag off her head.

The bedroom immediately filled

with blue sky and bright sunlight.

 

King John Dievel:

I hear the rooster crow!

My Dievel still stands.

Come here, Jane!

It’s re-erection time.

 

The Speaker:

And Crazy Jane then quoted her favorite poem of that nutty poet James Joyce: “…and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.”