EC 439 / 13 Smartass John
Eso A.B.
Smartass John and Crazy Jane
Scene 12: Wedding As For War
Translation © Eso A.B.

Synopsis:  Smartass John Dievel arrives at the gates of King John The Divine Dievel. He is sick with desire for Princess Beautiful Beyond Belief. Among other things, King John Divine Dievel tells him that access to the other world, or parallel  universe, or the Princess is trough intense emotion and not by way of a quantum computer. (For a more complete perspective on this story, please read blog 427—Introduction.)

The Speaker:

It was not long before
King John The Divine Dievel arrived.
This time he did not come bare foot,
but in brown boots well licked
and polished by his servants.
He wore light green pants
topped by a red vest
with gold medals on his breast,
red epaulets rimmed by gold thread,
and a glistening sword stuck in his belt.
On his head he wore a tin crown
bedecked with mirrors
that blinded those who dared look.
John The Divine Dievel ordered the guards
to open the gate
and come help load the gold
unto yet other waiting wagons.
Then he addresses Smartass John:

King John Dievel:

Smartass John, you have proven yourself
worthy of the hand of my daughter.
Princess Dievaine Unsurpassed
will be delighted to pump you
empty of all prayers.
I only wish all proto-Latvians
were as devoted
to saving God as you.

Smartass John:

Indeed, King Dievel!
I have waited for this moment a long time.
I am greatly honored.
Perhaps you will allow me
and let me have a peek at the Princess
and propose to her a mating extravaganza
sure to be exiting enough
to bring even God back to life.

The Speaker:

Smartass John heard two happy sqeuals.

One came from Crazy Jane,

the other from Old Ra-Zhanna.

They both touched earth

and crossed themselves.

 

Smartass John:

Did I say something wrong?

 

The Speaker:

Only now did Smartass John

understand that Crazy Jane

was the former roomkeeper

of King John Dievel

and that their relationship

had not been innocent.

 

Crazy Jane cleared her throat

and trilled her tongue toward him.

 

Smartass John:

You are drooling, Jane!

But it’s Princess Unsurpassable

I am after.

Go, let your nose,

trill a hole in the wall

while I go and pursue

the loveliest of them all.

 

The Speaker:

The King, not sure where

The wordplay would end,

he broke in the conversation

and said:

 

King John First Dievel:

Smartass John, we have a custom here:

We do not show the bride

to the bridegroom before

the marriage ceremony is over.

You must be patient.

 

Smartass John:

A most unusual cultural Custom.

One for the Human Rights Commission,

I must say.

 

King John Dievel:

I beg to differ.

It is to insure

that you and Princes Unsurmouted

are crazy for each other for ever,

and when bored with each other,

invite your court to a cluster party

with you rather than divorce.

 

Here! Some Dolce Vita tablets

to fire up your emotions.

 

It is we, not you, who decide

when a pair comes together.

The happier you are

and the more love songs you sing,

the happier are all who listen

with their ears to the door

of your bedroom

on your wedding night.

 

Smartass John:

You mean that the Princess and I

will have to celebrate our wedding

dancing by ourselves?

 

King John Dievel:

You are getting smarter, John.

Still, you must take care

that you touch none of

the ballerinas

who wiggle their anacondas for you,

else you will lose all your five fingers—

each of which

through the wisdom of God

is an eye when under the blanket

seeking to socket or plug itself

in receptacles not there.

 

The same is true for Princess Beautiful.

She has to stand behind a curtain,

while the handsomest officers

from my army from hell tempt her.

If she touches anyone of them,

she will lose a finger

and they will die stunned

as if from a stungun.

 

Smartass John:

That is a completely irrational story.

I have never heard anything like it.

 

King John The Divine Dievel:

Smartass John, you must understand.

You are getting educated here.

God is all emotion and desire.

The divine has little to do

with reason or mashine.

The more mashines

Secular governments make,

The more fingers and limbs

men must lose.

If Heaven is a notion

between our legs,

Hell is an assylum

for government-made cripples.

 

Do you see Queen Ra-Zhanna

and her right hand?

She is missing her pinky. Right?

 

On our wedding night,

I got her so hot and bothered,

she lost patience and touched me

as if by accident.

My father, The Doubly horrid Dievel

wanted to circumcize her there and then

on the ballroom floor

I begged him for mercy

and wait a few days,

and only chop off her finger.

 

Smartass John:

It still makes no sense to me.

My fingers are for poking,

not for seeing.

 

King John Dievel:

When you are as old as I,

sense will come.

For the meanwhile, let me explain:

an orgasm is a death experience.

We are consumed by a vision of pleasure.

The more emotional

or despairing we are,

the more we scream.

 

It is only when

our emotions and desires

breach all reason that

we are be able to visit with

Princess Unreasonably Beautiful.

Some have even risen from the dead

to come meet her.

Did not Crazy Jane

visit you twice already?

Did you not cause Her to die

yourself?

 

The Speaker:

Smartass John is stunned to hear this.

No truth like that

has come to him before.

He fell on his knees and implored,

King John Dievel

to lessen his agony and hasten

the the wedding bells.

 

King John The Divine Dievel:

We will commence with the wedding

as soon as your brothers arrive.

They must be witness to what emotion can do.

 

They, too, must learn to bathe a cricket

until it turns into a horse.