EC 435 / 9 Smartass John

Eso A.B.

Smartass John and Crazy Jane

Scene 8: Truth In Babblement

Translation © Eso A.B.

 

Synopsis:  Smartass John pleasures himself long enough with the handkerchief of Crazy Jane to see her appear before his eyes. While Jane has been resurrected from the dead, her head is screwed back on her shoulders at an awkward angle. Smartass John cannot resist his old habit and make fun of her. Rozinante, the mare of Smartass John, promises to kick him in the head if he does not wise up. Crazy Jane, too, promises to manhandle and pleasure him in ways, he would find most challenging. (For a more complete perspective on this story, please read blog 427—Introduction.)

 

The Poet:

Smartass John crumpled the handkerchief

of Crazy Jane in his pocket

until her image appeared

on his brain with a spectacular orgasm.

 

Smartass John saw his one night stand

standing with both feet in the River Styx.

She was ladling water with a bucket

that had no bottom.

Her brown dress was wet

and stuck to her as

the wet belly of a slug.

 

Overcome by instant guilt,

Smartass John could not shake the thought

he had done Crazy Jane wrong.

It came to him that

though he was happy to see her

with the help of a handkerchief,

he would prefer to hold her in his arms

and be lifting her skirt instead.

 

Smartass John:

Forgive me, Jane!

What an idiot I have been.

Will you come to my aid

in my hour of need,

and lay with me on a bed of stones?

I promise to love you

until the end of days.

 

The Poet:

This was not the only vision though

that Smartass John had.

He was quick to imagine

That if the bottomless pail

had a wire mesh stretched

across its bottom,

then Crazy Jane could

with every swing of her arm

skim a layer of gold from the Styx.

This would bring him to

Princess Unsurpassable

(or is it Unsurmountable?)

in no time.

 

Chorus:

Suddently, Crazy Jane,

Her fists stuck to her sides,

stood before Smartass John.

 

Crazy Jane:

I can read your thoughts, Smartass John.

I read nothing good in them.

I may be crazy, but I am not dumb.

 

Smartass John:

I am not sure what you are talking about.

Everything seems normal to me.

 

Crazy Jane:

Yes, I know there is gold in the Styx,

But it is not enough to bring

Princess Unsurpassable to you.

You see, Smartass,

The gold comes from sunlight

as it skims the surface of the river

in the mornings and evenings.

It takes a thousands of years

for enough to gather

to put a layer of gold leaf

on the side of a fish.

Moreover, we are competing

With the Mother of the Dead,

who gathers gold to enamel

the backs of the green flies

which cover the corpses

of the honored dead

of the Balts.

 

Smartass John:

That is not good news.

I believed you were coming

to help me.

 

Crazy Jane:

Don’t worry, Smartass John,

there are many ways

how to come by gold.

However, before I tell you more,

be so kind and return

to me my father’s,

the Devil’s own boots.

 

The Poet:

Smartass John then went to Rozinante

and took off her front legs

a pair of well worn boots

made of the skin

of a famous wild boar

who single snoutedly

had defended the wood of the Balts

against smartass Franks.

 

Smartass John:

I confess, these boots

served me and Rozinante well.

 

Crazy Jane:

I am pleased to see

you honorable for once.

Shall we continue to play school?

 

Smartass John:

What school are you talking about?

 

Crazy Jane:

You are a sorry creep.

Here I stand, for a hundred days

up to my knees in the Styx

shedding endless tears,

punished by the Sun for trusting you,

but you would play games

with the Devil, and try deprive him

of pleasuring my mother

so she rides

a broomstick instead.

 

Smartass John:

I realizē that I owe the Devil much.

I am hoping that his other pair of boots

Will lead me to the pile of gold he seeks.

 

Crazy Jane:

Smartass, don’t you realizē

That you are no longer

on that side of the mountain,

but on this one?

You are no longer riding uphill,

but are downhill a long way.

 

Chorus:

Smarstass, John, grew thoughtful.

Before he could say anything

Rozinante gave a neigh.

 

Rozinante:

Before I kick you in the head,

Smartass John, have you forgot

that you owe Crazy Jane

her head?

 

The Poet:

Fortunately, the mare

only kicked the Devil’s boots

off her hind legs.

 

Crazy Jane:

Thank you, Rozinante.

This fool keeps trying to hang himself.

He does not even see

that he is the cause that my head

is screwed back on

at a crazy angle.

I feel right only

when my head lies on a pillow.

 

Smartass John:

Yes, I was wondering why

you were sleeping

with your face in the pillow.

 

Crazy Jane:

What’s your rush

to hang yourself?

But if you wish to gather enough gold

to pleasure yourself, my father,

or, for that matter, me,

by the manner you propose,

I am telling you, it

will take a thousand years.

I would have my way with you

much much sooner.