EC 437 / 11 Smartass John
Eso A.B.
Smartass John and Crazy Jane
Scene 10: Flying Over The River Styx
Translation © Eso A.B.

Synopsis:  The raven takes Smartass John for a ride.  One may imagine Smartass John as Selma Lagerlof’s Nils Holgersson, the bad ass Swedish farm boy http://mygulitypleasures.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/nils_holgersson_-neilmoore-it.jpg , who with little but a ‘Carrot’ for a friend undertook a trip on the backs of wild geese. However, unlike the geese, the raven shakes Smartass John off its back and lets him fall from out of the sky.  (For a more complete perspective on this story, please read blog 427—Introduction.)

The Speaker:

Smartass John had to find a ladder
to climb the raven’s back.
Once he lay in its down,
he dug his fingers
deep into the raven’s feathers.
The raven rose into the air
immediately.
It had not flown far,
When Smartass John raised his head.
He was surprised to see
they were flying directly above the Styx.

He saw Crazy Jane was still standing in the stream
and pulling bucket after hollow bucket
through the water.
Rozinante was standing by the riverside
and watching with consternation.
Smartass John called to Jane:

“Hey, Jane! I told you,

you no longer need to do that.
The Sun said you are
free to go!”

Crazy Jane:

Thanks, Smartass John!

The Speaker:

Jane waved to him with both hands.
John noticed tears
were streaming down her cheeks.
This is how he came to understand, at last,
that the Styx was a river of tears,
And Crazy Jane was
but bathing in her sorrows.

Soon the raven flew over

the oak, where long lines
of people stood waiting their turn
to hang themselves.
The corpses hanging
were pissing
and watering the roots of the tree.

Perhaps that is the reason why
the oak, watered by a mix of tears and piss
is such a symbol of strength.

Smartass John:

Hey, you below, stop
hanging yourselves.
The Sun says that the gallows
are meant for ministers of state
and hunters only;
for all who insult the bonds
between nature and man
by deriving pleasure from
causing torture or death.

The Speaker:

The raven flew ever higher.
A fierce wind and cold forced one
to keep one’s mouth shut.
It was a time
for Smartass John to admit to himself:
“I am getting worried.”

The raven flew yet higher again
and soon was flying over a large sea.
No matter how many flying fish
were hunting crickets that flew
over their watery domain
the sea became ever smaller.

The Raven:

How high are we, Smartass John?
How large is the sea?

Smartass John:

It appears we are flying over a lake!

The Speaker:

The Raven flew yet higher again.

The Raven:

How high are we now, Smartass John?
How large is the lake?

Smartass John:

We are flying over a puddle.

The Speaker:

The raven kept rising higher.
Just how high it flew
no one knows.
Smartass John thought
that it would have been
perhaps better not to run after
Princess Unsurpassable Beauty
after all. Perhaps he should have
been happy to stay with Crazy Jane,
who had proved that she
did not lag behind him
in finding pleasure in pleasure.
As Smartass John held
to the raven’s black feathers,
he inadvertently rubbed the gold ring again.

Crazy Jane again emerged,

this time from behind the clouds.
It was her turn to be surprised.
She screamed.

Crazy Jane:

I thought that you were long dead!”

The Speaker:

Smartass John was not happy
to hear this.
“Dead men are not nearly
as much fun as I am,” he shot back.

Crazy Jane retorted:

“But they cannot cause harm.
The raven can pick their ribs clean,
without taking worry
they will begin to dance.

Smartass John dug his fingers

Deeper yet into the ravens feathers.

The Raven:

How high are we now, Smartass John?
How large is the puddle?

Smartass John:

It’s as large as
the dead eye of a horse.

Chorus:

No sooner did the raven
hear these words,
it flipped, flew on its back,
and ruffled its feathers.

Smartass John’s grip loosened,

and with two fistfuls of black feathers,
he fell out of the sky.

 

EC 436 / 10 Smartass John

Eso A.B.

Smartass John and Crazy Jane

Scene 9: Crazy Jane Makes Her Day

Translation © Eso A.B.

 

Synopsis:  Crazy Jane, aka Develine, instructs Smartass John of the great adventure he is about to take to discover the pile of gold that he is to take to King John the Divine Dievel. This time John will not be riding Rozinante, but traveling on the back of a raven. (For a more complete perspective on this story, please read blog 427—Introduction.)

 

Smartass John:

I am sorry, my Crazy Dieveline!

I am in a hurry now.

We’ll have a go at it

another time.

 

Crazy Jane:

Yes, yes. Just clap your hands

and give a call:

“Raven, raven,

your next meal is here!’

 

The Speaker:

Smartass John could not imagine

That anyone would play games with him,

And raised both his hands

and o clap them.

Crazy Jane had to play

the angel of mercy

and insert her hand

between his palms.

 

Crazy Jane:

I have something else

to tell you, Smartass.

Because neither you nor Rozinante

have the Dievel’s boots on,

it is on the raven’s wing

that you will fly

to your pile of gold.

Rozinante will stay with me.

 

Smartass John:

But how will I get the gold

to the castle?

 

Crazy Jane:

There are several magic ways.

I will let you know

which one,

when the time comes.

 

For now, listen carefully:

you will fly on the raven’s back

your fingers dug deep

in its feathers.

 

When the raven asks you

how large the sea?

You reply:

“It is as large as a lake.”

 

The second question it will ask is

“How large the lake now?”

You reply: ‘As large as a puddle..’

 

The third question the raven will ask,

is: “”How large the puddle now?”

You reply: “As large as the eye of a dead horse.”

 

Smartass John:

I’ve recorded it on my brain.

 

The Speaker:

Having instructed Smartass John,

Crazy Jane, aka Crazy Dieveline, vanished.

Smartass John alone now

turned around, and

found himself nose to beak

with a raven.

 

The Raven:

“Krah, krah!” spoke the raven.

“How goes it Smartass John?

Did you ask the Sun,

when she will let me leave the pine tree?”

 

Smartass John:

Yes. There are two things that must be done.

First, I need to bury your dinner.

Then you must fly me to my

pile of gold.

 

The Raven:

What? You’re to get gold.

But I must stay without dinner?

 

Smartass John:

Crazy Jane told me that you know

where to find the pile of gold.

She mentioned overseas.

If I do not survive the trip,

you will have your dinner

six months running.

 

The Raven:

I know Jane.

She and her sisters feed me well.

By the way, the dinner

you are getting ready to bury,

is of her issue.

She was recently employed

by King John the First,

Who is a great hunter

of the angels of government.

As you surely know,

there is no such thing as a hunting party

if the men do without sex.

 

Now climb on my back,

and I will fly you to the pine tree.

Meanwhile, I will try remember,

where the Sun spilled

Her beans of gold.

EC 435 / 9 Smartass John

Eso A.B.

Smartass John and Crazy Jane

Scene 8: Truth In Babblement

Translation © Eso A.B.

 

Synopsis:  Smartass John pleasures himself long enough with the handkerchief of Crazy Jane to see her appear before his eyes. While Jane has been resurrected from the dead, her head is screwed back on her shoulders at an awkward angle. Smartass John cannot resist his old habit and make fun of her. Rozinante, the mare of Smartass John, promises to kick him in the head if he does not wise up. Crazy Jane, too, promises to manhandle and pleasure him in ways, he would find most challenging. (For a more complete perspective on this story, please read blog 427—Introduction.)

 

The Poet:

Smartass John crumpled the handkerchief

of Crazy Jane in his pocket

until her image appeared

on his brain with a spectacular orgasm.

 

Smartass John saw his one night stand

standing with both feet in the River Styx.

She was ladling water with a bucket

that had no bottom.

Her brown dress was wet

and stuck to her as

the wet belly of a slug.

 

Overcome by instant guilt,

Smartass John could not shake the thought

he had done Crazy Jane wrong.

It came to him that

though he was happy to see her

with the help of a handkerchief,

he would prefer to hold her in his arms

and be lifting her skirt instead.

 

Smartass John:

Forgive me, Jane!

What an idiot I have been.

Will you come to my aid

in my hour of need,

and lay with me on a bed of stones?

I promise to love you

until the end of days.

 

The Poet:

This was not the only vision though

that Smartass John had.

He was quick to imagine

That if the bottomless pail

had a wire mesh stretched

across its bottom,

then Crazy Jane could

with every swing of her arm

skim a layer of gold from the Styx.

This would bring him to

Princess Unsurpassable

(or is it Unsurmountable?)

in no time.

 

Chorus:

Suddently, Crazy Jane,

Her fists stuck to her sides,

stood before Smartass John.

 

Crazy Jane:

I can read your thoughts, Smartass John.

I read nothing good in them.

I may be crazy, but I am not dumb.

 

Smartass John:

I am not sure what you are talking about.

Everything seems normal to me.

 

Crazy Jane:

Yes, I know there is gold in the Styx,

But it is not enough to bring

Princess Unsurpassable to you.

You see, Smartass,

The gold comes from sunlight

as it skims the surface of the river

in the mornings and evenings.

It takes a thousands of years

for enough to gather

to put a layer of gold leaf

on the side of a fish.

Moreover, we are competing

With the Mother of the Dead,

who gathers gold to enamel

the backs of the green flies

which cover the corpses

of the honored dead

of the Balts.

 

Smartass John:

That is not good news.

I believed you were coming

to help me.

 

Crazy Jane:

Don’t worry, Smartass John,

there are many ways

how to come by gold.

However, before I tell you more,

be so kind and return

to me my father’s,

the Devil’s own boots.

 

The Poet:

Smartass John then went to Rozinante

and took off her front legs

a pair of well worn boots

made of the skin

of a famous wild boar

who single snoutedly

had defended the wood of the Balts

against smartass Franks.

 

Smartass John:

I confess, these boots

served me and Rozinante well.

 

Crazy Jane:

I am pleased to see

you honorable for once.

Shall we continue to play school?

 

Smartass John:

What school are you talking about?

 

Crazy Jane:

You are a sorry creep.

Here I stand, for a hundred days

up to my knees in the Styx

shedding endless tears,

punished by the Sun for trusting you,

but you would play games

with the Devil, and try deprive him

of pleasuring my mother

so she rides

a broomstick instead.

 

Smartass John:

I realizē that I owe the Devil much.

I am hoping that his other pair of boots

Will lead me to the pile of gold he seeks.

 

Crazy Jane:

Smartass, don’t you realizē

That you are no longer

on that side of the mountain,

but on this one?

You are no longer riding uphill,

but are downhill a long way.

 

Chorus:

Smarstass, John, grew thoughtful.

Before he could say anything

Rozinante gave a neigh.

 

Rozinante:

Before I kick you in the head,

Smartass John, have you forgot

that you owe Crazy Jane

her head?

 

The Poet:

Fortunately, the mare

only kicked the Devil’s boots

off her hind legs.

 

Crazy Jane:

Thank you, Rozinante.

This fool keeps trying to hang himself.

He does not even see

that he is the cause that my head

is screwed back on

at a crazy angle.

I feel right only

when my head lies on a pillow.

 

Smartass John:

Yes, I was wondering why

you were sleeping

with your face in the pillow.

 

Crazy Jane:

What’s your rush

to hang yourself?

But if you wish to gather enough gold

to pleasure yourself, my father,

or, for that matter, me,

by the manner you propose,

I am telling you, it

will take a thousand years.

I would have my way with you

much much sooner.

 

EC 434 / 8 Smartass John
Eso A.B.
Smartass John and Crazy Jane
Scene 7: What It Takes to Bed Princess Unsurmountable
Translation © Eso A.B.

Synopsis: After reminding Smartass John that She is the only Sun and that there is no other Sun before her,  the Sun chases him off her estate, where She sulks over the insult received from the descendants of John the Devine Devil, the Great-great grandfather of the Balts. Rozinante takes Smartass John to the gate of the summer villa of King John the Sun’s Divine Devil. The villa belongs to another time. It stands on the shores of the River Styx. Since the beginning of the tale, both King and Smartass John, have become old men. It is no longer youth and sex, but gold and lechery that sustain them. (For a better perspective on this story, please read blot 427--Introduction)

The Poet:

Rozinante slid down Sun Mountain
with the Devil’s boots facing backward,
and brought Smartass John
to the shores of the River Styx.
John found himself across from the gates of
the villa of King John the First,
the Sun’s own Divine Devil.
(Whether he is Son or Lover
is for others to discover.)

It so happened that the King

was taking a walk through his wood.
The King was surprised to see Smartass John
of whom he had heard numerous reports.
Rider and mare looked
as if they had witnessed doomsday.
The Sun’s Divine Devil saw immediately
that Rozinante wore his boots.
He said nothing.

When the guards at the gate

were about to arrest Smartass John
for breaching the Kingdom’s border
the King waved his hand for them to desist.
The guards sprang to attention
And saluted:
„Long live, Kind John First
The Sun’s own Divine Devil Always.”

King John First:

Do we have another spammer
from Livonia come to the Holy Land?

Smartass John:

Your Highness,
I come from the Sun Mountain
When the Sun heard I was planning
to visit your kingdom,
She wished me luck and
asked me to present your Divinity
with this bearskin vest.

King John First:

I, too, have been on Sun Mountain.
I know how one sweats there
out of respect.
What is your name, visitor?

Smartass John:
My name is John Smartass.

The Poet:

Smartass John stood
his chest thrust out,
nose pointing to the sky,
and eyes rolling.

He, thus, soon noticed

that King John wore no boots,
but stood barefoot.
The nails of his feet
were long, grey, and curly,
such as are in fashion
among very rich old men
(or such as have had their boots stolen).
If the guards had not saluted,
perhaps Smartass John
would have asked the king
to move out of his way.

King John First:

What wind blows you here?

Smartass John:

I have come to ask the King
for the hand of his daughter,
the ever lovely Princess Unsurpassable.

King John First:

I am flattered, sir,
But don’t you think
that you are a bit old to venture marriage?

The Poet:

Smartass John was surprised
To hear himself called ‘old’
and looked at Rozinante,
for confirmation.
Rozinante walked her master
to the edge of the River Styx,
where Smartass John saw
that indeed his hair had turned grey.

Smartass John:
As you see, your Divine Highness,
my adventures have turned me
into a reverent philosopher.
However, rest assured
that after I take a bath
and dye my hair black,
I will look half my age.

King John First:

May it be so, sir.
Still, my daughter Unsurmountable
is a virgin, because
no man has brought me the
wagonload of gold,
I need to wage my war
against God, the government man.
Have you perhaps brought me
such a wagonload of gold with you?

Smartass John:

That is no problem, your Highness.
Just tell me where it is,
and I will bring it to you.

King John First:

Smartass John, you hit
the nail on the head.
It is up to you to find and bring
the gold to me.
I am no more a young man myself.
If you truly wish to rock and roll
in bed with Princess Unsurmoutable,
gold is the price of a lecher’s ticket
to the side of your nuptials bed
as that lecherour painter Picasso foretold
when he visited with me and painted
life at my court.

Smartass John:

Before I bring the gold,
will your Divine Highness perhaps
let me have a peek at the Princess?

The Poet:

Though a flashlight flashed red
in Smartass John’s pants,
it had occurred to him that
perhaps Princess Unsurpassable
(and heretofore Unsurmoutable)
grew nails similar to those of her father
and was not as attractive
as he had first imagined her.

King John First:

Do not fear, Smartass John!
I guarantee that as soon as you
bring me the gold,
Princess Unsurmounted will be yours
to surmount. http://www.jdsmithfineart.com/wp-content/uploads/Picasso_Litho_OldKing_CU01.jpg
She will bring you and me
such joys as we have never enjoyed before. 

The Poet:

Smartass John tipped his hat
And bid adieu to King John
the Sun’s Divine Devil.
He took the harness off Rozinante,
but left the Divine Devils boots on
(just in case).
He let the mare graze
in the King’s field of oats.
Then he, too, went for a walk
through the wood,
and tried to puzzle out where to find
the gold that would buy King John
the Divine Devil his ticket
to the peek-a-boo show.
Those were not yet the days,
when banks could print as much
fiat currency as they wished
to deposit in their vaults.
One thing for sure:
Smartass John knew
he was not going to go dig for it.
There had to be some other way.

Smartass John paced through the wood

for a long time.
But came evening,
he still had not figured out
where to find the gold.
It was then that he remembered
The gifts that Crazy Jane
Had gifted him with
after they had met at Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn
in Livonia on St. Johns Eve.

Smartass John pulled from his pocket

the silk handkerchief and felt too see
if the gold ring was wrapped in it.
It was, and Smartass John started polishing it.
He fervently hoped that Crazy Jane’s gift
was not an April joke on him.