EC 435 / 9 Smartass John

Eso A.B.

Smartass John and Crazy Jane

Scene 8: Truth In Babblement

Translation © Eso A.B.

 

Synopsis:  Smartass John pleasures himself long enough with the handkerchief of Crazy Jane to see her appear before his eyes. While Jane has been resurrected from the dead, her head is screwed back on her shoulders at an awkward angle. Smartass John cannot resist his old habit and make fun of her. Rozinante, the mare of Smartass John, promises to kick him in the head if he does not wise up. Crazy Jane, too, promises to manhandle and pleasure him in ways, he would find most challenging. (For a more complete perspective on this story, please read blog 427—Introduction.)

 

The Poet:

Smartass John crumpled the handkerchief

of Crazy Jane in his pocket

until her image appeared

on his brain with a spectacular orgasm.

 

Smartass John saw his one night stand

standing with both feet in the River Styx.

She was ladling water with a bucket

that had no bottom.

Her brown dress was wet

and stuck to her as

the wet belly of a slug.

 

Overcome by instant guilt,

Smartass John could not shake the thought

he had done Crazy Jane wrong.

It came to him that

though he was happy to see her

with the help of a handkerchief,

he would prefer to hold her in his arms

and be lifting her skirt instead.

 

Smartass John:

Forgive me, Jane!

What an idiot I have been.

Will you come to my aid

in my hour of need,

and lay with me on a bed of stones?

I promise to love you

until the end of days.

 

The Poet:

This was not the only vision though

that Smartass John had.

He was quick to imagine

That if the bottomless pail

had a wire mesh stretched

across its bottom,

then Crazy Jane could

with every swing of her arm

skim a layer of gold from the Styx.

This would bring him to

Princess Unsurpassable

(or is it Unsurmountable?)

in no time.

 

Chorus:

Suddently, Crazy Jane,

Her fists stuck to her sides,

stood before Smartass John.

 

Crazy Jane:

I can read your thoughts, Smartass John.

I read nothing good in them.

I may be crazy, but I am not dumb.

 

Smartass John:

I am not sure what you are talking about.

Everything seems normal to me.

 

Crazy Jane:

Yes, I know there is gold in the Styx,

But it is not enough to bring

Princess Unsurpassable to you.

You see, Smartass,

The gold comes from sunlight

as it skims the surface of the river

in the mornings and evenings.

It takes a thousands of years

for enough to gather

to put a layer of gold leaf

on the side of a fish.

Moreover, we are competing

With the Mother of the Dead,

who gathers gold to enamel

the backs of the green flies

which cover the corpses

of the honored dead

of the Balts.

 

Smartass John:

That is not good news.

I believed you were coming

to help me.

 

Crazy Jane:

Don’t worry, Smartass John,

there are many ways

how to come by gold.

However, before I tell you more,

be so kind and return

to me my father’s,

the Devil’s own boots.

 

The Poet:

Smartass John then went to Rozinante

and took off her front legs

a pair of well worn boots

made of the skin

of a famous wild boar

who single snoutedly

had defended the wood of the Balts

against smartass Franks.

 

Smartass John:

I confess, these boots

served me and Rozinante well.

 

Crazy Jane:

I am pleased to see

you honorable for once.

Shall we continue to play school?

 

Smartass John:

What school are you talking about?

 

Crazy Jane:

You are a sorry creep.

Here I stand, for a hundred days

up to my knees in the Styx

shedding endless tears,

punished by the Sun for trusting you,

but you would play games

with the Devil, and try deprive him

of pleasuring my mother

so she rides

a broomstick instead.

 

Smartass John:

I realizē that I owe the Devil much.

I am hoping that his other pair of boots

Will lead me to the pile of gold he seeks.

 

Crazy Jane:

Smartass, don’t you realizē

That you are no longer

on that side of the mountain,

but on this one?

You are no longer riding uphill,

but are downhill a long way.

 

Chorus:

Smarstass, John, grew thoughtful.

Before he could say anything

Rozinante gave a neigh.

 

Rozinante:

Before I kick you in the head,

Smartass John, have you forgot

that you owe Crazy Jane

her head?

 

The Poet:

Fortunately, the mare

only kicked the Devil’s boots

off her hind legs.

 

Crazy Jane:

Thank you, Rozinante.

This fool keeps trying to hang himself.

He does not even see

that he is the cause that my head

is screwed back on

at a crazy angle.

I feel right only

when my head lies on a pillow.

 

Smartass John:

Yes, I was wondering why

you were sleeping

with your face in the pillow.

 

Crazy Jane:

What’s your rush

to hang yourself?

But if you wish to gather enough gold

to pleasure yourself, my father,

or, for that matter, me,

by the manner you propose,

I am telling you, it

will take a thousand years.

I would have my way with you

much much sooner.

 

EC 434 / 8 Smartass John
Eso A.B.
Smartass John and Crazy Jane
Scene 7: What It Takes to Bed Princess Unsurmountable
Translation © Eso A.B.

Synopsis: After reminding Smartass John that She is the only Sun and that there is no other Sun before her,  the Sun chases him off her estate, where She sulks over the insult received from the descendants of John the Devine Devil, the Great-great grandfather of the Balts. Rozinante takes Smartass John to the gate of the summer villa of King John the Sun’s Divine Devil. The villa belongs to another time. It stands on the shores of the River Styx. Since the beginning of the tale, both King and Smartass John, have become old men. It is no longer youth and sex, but gold and lechery that sustain them. (For a better perspective on this story, please read blot 427--Introduction)

The Poet:

Rozinante slid down Sun Mountain
with the Devil’s boots facing backward,
and brought Smartass John
to the shores of the River Styx.
John found himself across from the gates of
the villa of King John the First,
the Sun’s own Divine Devil.
(Whether he is Son or Lover
is for others to discover.)

It so happened that the King

was taking a walk through his wood.
The King was surprised to see Smartass John
of whom he had heard numerous reports.
Rider and mare looked
as if they had witnessed doomsday.
The Sun’s Divine Devil saw immediately
that Rozinante wore his boots.
He said nothing.

When the guards at the gate

were about to arrest Smartass John
for breaching the Kingdom’s border
the King waved his hand for them to desist.
The guards sprang to attention
And saluted:
„Long live, Kind John First
The Sun’s own Divine Devil Always.”

King John First:

Do we have another spammer
from Livonia come to the Holy Land?

Smartass John:

Your Highness,
I come from the Sun Mountain
When the Sun heard I was planning
to visit your kingdom,
She wished me luck and
asked me to present your Divinity
with this bearskin vest.

King John First:

I, too, have been on Sun Mountain.
I know how one sweats there
out of respect.
What is your name, visitor?

Smartass John:
My name is John Smartass.

The Poet:

Smartass John stood
his chest thrust out,
nose pointing to the sky,
and eyes rolling.

He, thus, soon noticed

that King John wore no boots,
but stood barefoot.
The nails of his feet
were long, grey, and curly,
such as are in fashion
among very rich old men
(or such as have had their boots stolen).
If the guards had not saluted,
perhaps Smartass John
would have asked the king
to move out of his way.

King John First:

What wind blows you here?

Smartass John:

I have come to ask the King
for the hand of his daughter,
the ever lovely Princess Unsurpassable.

King John First:

I am flattered, sir,
But don’t you think
that you are a bit old to venture marriage?

The Poet:

Smartass John was surprised
To hear himself called ‘old’
and looked at Rozinante,
for confirmation.
Rozinante walked her master
to the edge of the River Styx,
where Smartass John saw
that indeed his hair had turned grey.

Smartass John:
As you see, your Divine Highness,
my adventures have turned me
into a reverent philosopher.
However, rest assured
that after I take a bath
and dye my hair black,
I will look half my age.

King John First:

May it be so, sir.
Still, my daughter Unsurmountable
is a virgin, because
no man has brought me the
wagonload of gold,
I need to wage my war
against God, the government man.
Have you perhaps brought me
such a wagonload of gold with you?

Smartass John:

That is no problem, your Highness.
Just tell me where it is,
and I will bring it to you.

King John First:

Smartass John, you hit
the nail on the head.
It is up to you to find and bring
the gold to me.
I am no more a young man myself.
If you truly wish to rock and roll
in bed with Princess Unsurmoutable,
gold is the price of a lecher’s ticket
to the side of your nuptials bed
as that lecherour painter Picasso foretold
when he visited with me and painted
life at my court.

Smartass John:

Before I bring the gold,
will your Divine Highness perhaps
let me have a peek at the Princess?

The Poet:

Though a flashlight flashed red
in Smartass John’s pants,
it had occurred to him that
perhaps Princess Unsurpassable
(and heretofore Unsurmoutable)
grew nails similar to those of her father
and was not as attractive
as he had first imagined her.

King John First:

Do not fear, Smartass John!
I guarantee that as soon as you
bring me the gold,
Princess Unsurmounted will be yours
to surmount. http://www.jdsmithfineart.com/wp-content/uploads/Picasso_Litho_OldKing_CU01.jpg
She will bring you and me
such joys as we have never enjoyed before. 

The Poet:

Smartass John tipped his hat
And bid adieu to King John
the Sun’s Divine Devil.
He took the harness off Rozinante,
but left the Divine Devils boots on
(just in case).
He let the mare graze
in the King’s field of oats.
Then he, too, went for a walk
through the wood,
and tried to puzzle out where to find
the gold that would buy King John
the Divine Devil his ticket
to the peek-a-boo show.
Those were not yet the days,
when banks could print as much
fiat currency as they wished
to deposit in their vaults.
One thing for sure:
Smartass John knew
he was not going to go dig for it.
There had to be some other way.

Smartass John paced through the wood

for a long time.
But came evening,
he still had not figured out
where to find the gold.
It was then that he remembered
The gifts that Crazy Jane
Had gifted him with
after they had met at Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn
in Livonia on St. Johns Eve.

Smartass John pulled from his pocket

the silk handkerchief and felt too see
if the gold ring was wrapped in it.
It was, and Smartass John started polishing it.
He fervently hoped that Crazy Jane’s gift
was not an April joke on him.

EC 433 / 7 Smartass John
Eso A.B.

Smartass John and Crazy Jane

Scene 6: Professing the Sins of Yesteryear
Translation © Eso A.B.

Synopsis: The Old Witch Ra-Zhanna, aka the Sun incarnate, has died due to human neglect. Technology has got the better of Her. Nevertheless, She appears on the stage as a huge ball or straw and rags (a pseudo-technological re-creation of Herself) and in various ways makes a fool of Smartass John. Among other things, Smartass John tells the ‘Dearest of Suns’ (there is no Other, but one Sun, the Sun informs him) that he wishes to marry Princess Unsurpassable, little realizing that the latter may be but a lesser reincarnation of the Ra-Zhanna.

The Poet:

In spite of wearing
The Devil’s Own Boots,
Rozinante has a difficult time
ascending Sun Mountain.
An earthquake shakes it.
Rocks and bolders slide
and obstruct passage.
When on top,
A sign announces:
“Approach at your own risk!
The Sun died the day before yesterday.
All you see or hear happen
may be of yesteryear,
illumined only by the artifice
of the dark of starlight.”

Indeed, Smartass John takes note

that he and Rozinante
move their limbs,
without the sensation of time
and as if the Mind (whatever that is)
is a clock with no gears moving.
    
For all the warning,
the Sun appears.
She is as large as the entire stage
and has the dead face
of a full Moon.
There is a writ on her face:
“I am dead.”

Still, the air is as hot
as a hot summer night
and reaks of ebola victims
buried in haste in shallow graves.

Smartass John:

Where am I?
Where is the Sun?

Chorus:

John notices that the eyes of Rozinante
Shoine as if they are of moonstone,
sodium potassium aluminium silicate
as the technocrats call it.

Having circled the globe

trailing silver strands
of moonlit fog and
matted gold of desert sands,
the Sun had only contempt
for those who saw traffic lights
but did not see Her.
She was a patriot of the land
once known as Land of St. Johns
filled with refrains of joyful allegro,
but now deserted of its ancient song.

Chorus (right):

The Sun thirsts for the blood of life.

Chorus (left):

A voice whispered in Smartass John’s ear:
When dead,
the Sun shines black snakes
and poisons all dreams.

The Poet:

Smartass John had no wish to cut
and bleed blood from his finger.

But, suddenly, a peal of thunder

shatters the night,
and the Sun-moon gave
a caesarean birth.
A monster ball of old rags,
brown and foamy plastic
brakes through the face
of the Moon’s artifice
and rolls center stage.

The Chorus:

Greetings, Smartass John.
Here speaks the Sun
from the netherworld.

Smartass John:

I am alright.
You scared the hell out of me,
…who or whatever you are.

The Sun:

Let me make that good:
here is a present for you.
It will keep you warm,
when you fly above the clouds.

The Poet:

The Sun presents Smartass John
with a vest of bear fur.

The Dead Sun:

It fits you well.

Smartass John:

Thank you,
am I to presume you are the Sun?

The Sun:

Tell me, Smartass John,
what brings you to me?
What do you wish to know?

Smartass John:

If you are the Sun,
I came to visit and invite you
To return to Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn
for a free, all expenses paid weekend
of bed and breakfast fun.
I wish to acquaint you
with what post-proto-Latvians
with some help from Harvard University,
are doing to rebuild their nation.
The tourist business
is foremost on the list.

The Sun:

How wonderful, Smartass John!
There is but one trouble with the plan.
All would be developers
are willing to develop only if
they will be able to grow cannabis,
that will heal their stressed visitors
from Alleluialand.

Unfortunately, the Latvian government,
with the God of Westphalia
dictating it its morals will not allow
anyone to entertain the thought
before entertaining the thought
of spending five years in jail.
Is there anything else on your mind?

Smartass John:

At the foot of Sun Mountain,
Rozinante and myself saw
A long line of people
with rope in hand
making nooses.
How long must they continue
To do so?

The Sun:

It depends for how long
your government will cause them unhappiness.
It’s the 11^th Commandment
that commands taxes
that is to blame.

Smartass John:

One more question, Dearest of Suns.

The Sun:

What other Sun is there beside me?
Speak to me in singular, John.

Smartass John:

I know this lady.
Her name is Crazy Jane.
You see, she is stressed and standing
knee deep in the waters of the River Styx
and ladling water
with a bucket that has no bottom.
For how long must she do this?

The Sun:

That is a difficult question, John.
It is my punishment for
her being stupid enough to trust you.
Why did she steal her father’s boots
and give them for you and Rozinante to wear?
I have noticed that you have not
put on the boots on yourself feet.
Are you afraid where they might take you?
Give them back to her
and she is free to go.

The Poet:

The Sun was noticeably angry.
Though said to be dead,
She was growing angrier by the minute
and shooting off green sparks.
The vest, Her gift to Smartass John,
was baking his shoulders.
Smartass retreated,
but had one more question.

Smartass John:

Dearest of Suns,
While passing through Alleluialand.
I spoke with a raven in the garden
of King John First the Sun’s Divine Devil.
The raven wishes to know for how long,
it must sit tied to the pine tree?

The Sun:

The raven may depart
As soon as you give proper burial
To the dead newborn
of the kitchen maid your brothers laid.
She left the babe
but covered with pine branches.

Smartass John:

What about the whale of a fish
Tied to Alleluialand’s shores?

The Sun:

What a load of silly questions
you ask, Smartass John.
Tell that fish not to be so presumptuous.
Its size is its own sea.
Let it consult a shrink.
But, Smartass John, now tell me:
What is the real purpose of your visit?

Smartass John:

Dearest of Suns, I wish
To marry Princess Unsurpassable
and become rich.

The Sun:

And where do you think
Such a Princess lives?
If I lead you to her, will you pay me
with your blood?

Smartass John:

I have not yet met her,
But hear she is said to be the daughter of
King John First the Sun’s Own Devil’s.

(The curtain falls. Back stage: Pandemonium, laughter, and explosions.)