EC 432 / 6 Smartass John
Eso A.B.
Smartass John and Crazy Jane
Scene 5: Traversing the Empire of Allelluia
Translated by © Eso A.B.

Synopsis: Smartass John and Rozinante have to cross the Empire of Alleluia in order to get to Sun Mountain. Everywhere man and horse turn, they see Kind Taxes at work: The first of Kind Taxes decimate animals life and the wood. When former woodland is turned into arable land and is used to grow grains, families are turned into bonded labor. When the land is exhausted, King John First Evermore the Kind Tax Collector, turns to printing money. At the foot of Sun Mountain, Smartass John finds an ancient oak, where hundreds of men and women have lined up to climb a ladder to hang themselves. Even so, no citizen of Alleluia ever revolts, because the Alleluia Lottery lets everyone hold a lapful of money for a minute and gives free turnip soup with a dab of sour cream as a consolation prize.

The Poet:

If Smartass John believed
That the Devil’s Own Boots
would pave him and Rozinante
the way to Sun Mountain,
he was mistaken.
He had forgotten that he had to pass
through the Empire of Alleluia
headed by King John First
Evermore the Kind Tax Collector.

If God in His wisdom

created the World a livable place,
with a wood and a dale
where everyone could shelter,
King John First
Evermore the Kind Tax Collector
outwitted wood and dale
and stole God for himself
de jure by way of first making
himself God de facto
with the help of a sword.

As Smartass John and Rozinante

came to a large wood, they heard
the “bang, bang” of shotguns.
Wild pigs, some limping, some bleeding
Some of suckling age
crossed their path.
pack of men blowing horns
and twirling bullroarers followed.

Smartass John:

What are you doing!?
What crazyness is this?

A Hunter:

We are collecting the fur Tax
for King John First
Evermore the Kind Tax Collector.
Beside, these pigs have a nose
for turnips and raid our gardens.

Chorus:

Just then a caravan of wagons
filled with furs of reindeer,
wolves, bears, beaver, fox,
all skinned and still stretched
on tanning racks,
so many square crosses,
passed on the way to Alleluialand.

The Poet:

After Smartass John and Rozinante
exited the wood,
they came to a plain.
There was no tree in sight.
Hundreds of castrated oxen
pulled hundreds of plows
guided by castrated men.

Smartass John:

What occupation is this?
I live by the Baltic Sea
and all mine are fishermen.

A Plowman:

After the bear and lynx
were killed for their fur,
King John First
Evermore the Kind Tax Collector,
discovered that it pays
to cut down the wood
and sow the land with grain.
For every ten sacks of grain that I raise,
I get to keep four,
The King collects six in Kind Taxes.
Lest I flee with the six,
a Super-law, neither God’s or mine,
keeps me tied to the land.

Chorus (right):

What does God say about it?

Chorus (left):

God may be bought and sold
in a democracy.
The democratic majority
overrules God.
It is only the Devil
and a minority who
are opposed to taxes.

The Poet:

Then Smartass John came
to Alleluialand itself.
A large factory
with a tall smoke stack
stood in the centre of Alleluia.
Hot air blew money
out the chimney.
Men, women, policemen,
and bank clerks
were catching all the bills
that came drifting down.
The law, the holy writ
of Alleluia, let them keep
what they could snatch
out of the air.
After all, King John First
Evermore the Kind Tax Collector,
wore the ‘Order of God’ medal
on his chest.

The citizens of Alleluia

were a happy lot.
King John First Evermore the Kind Tax Collector,
Held every Friday an Alleluia Lottery.
Every participant gets to hold
a million airs in his or her lap
for a minute and free turnip soup
with a dab of sour cream as a consolation prize.

Chorus:

Smartass John bought
Alleluia Times and read:
“Last year Alleluia enriched
citizens of Alleluia by a trillion airs.”

Smartass John:

As Smartass John and Rozinante
approached the foot of Sun Mountain,
they met columns of refugees
with empty water bottles
begging: Water! Water!
The government is taxing
even the water from the sky.
It is illegal to save urine
and drink it tomorrow.

Chorus (right):

Having exhausted all money,
King John First
Evermore the Kind Tax Collector,
encouraged creativity
and sponsored Colleges of Conceit,
which drummed wisdom into
heads of fools.

Chorus (left):

Alas, at the edge of Alleluia
next to an old oak tree,
a long line of bondsmen
with their tax bills
in one hand, and
a thick rope in the other
stood in line to climb
and go hang themselves.

EC 431 / 5   Smartass John
Eso A.B.
Smartass John and Crazy Jane
Scene 4: Slaughter in the Hayloft
Translated by © Eso A.B.

Synopsis: The Old Witch Ra-Zhanna, aka the Sun incarnate, takes revenge for being slighted by neo-Latvian youths, but is tricked by them, and is slighted all over again. The reader discovers how the Peace of Westwhaplia eliminated both God and the Devil, and replaced them with fantasy institutions such as the Supreme Court, the Central Bank, and.not least, a New World Order for idiots. Smartass John and his brothers escape from Old Ra-Zhanna by the skin of their teeth. However, before long, Smartass John decides to replace the dead Crazy Jane with Princess Wonderful Daughter of King John First Evermore, little realizing that the latter may be another  lesser reincarnation of the Sun Goddess Ra-Zhanna.

Choir of Six Brothers:

Are you telling us
our brides will die?

Smartass John:

Indeed.
The Old Witch Ra-Zhanna
will come with an axe
and chop off any man’s or woman’s head
she sees sleep
next to the boardwalk. Comprende?

Choir of Six Brothers:

Do not forsake me, O my darling!
We waited for our wedding day
twenty years.

Smartass John:

There is no other way.
If you wish to stay alive.
Misfortune Herself decrees
that your brides remain your fists.

The Poet:

After Crazy Jane and her sisters
came to the hayloft,
everyone of them
snuggled up to her man.
Smartass John took Crazy Jane to the bar
and presented her with a glass
of Riga Bubbly.

After Jane’s glass was empty,
he took from her head
her wreath of Johns Flowers
and put it on his head.

Crazy Jane:
Ha, ha, ha!
It fits you well.
Then still on her feet,
she fell asleep.

The Poet:

Smartass John laid Crazy Jane
in the passage between the hay piles.
He had little doubt that
when Old Ra-Zhanna came swinging her ax,
The head of Crazy Jane would roll painlessly.

As such and like thoughts
went through his head.
The door to the hayloft creaked.
Someone was heard coming up the stairs.
All of Ra-Zhanna’s daughters
slept and snorred.
They saw nothing, heard nothing, knew nothing.

Smartass John hoped that he could trust

that the secret Crazy Jane
had entrusted to him was the honest truth.
Or his head, too, would soon leak
egg yellow and red.

Old Ra-Zhanna came up the stairs

like the whirlpool of a wind.
A window shutter banged and creaked
 “shnyek”, “shnyak”, “shnyek”, “shnyak”.
No other sounds were heard.
Not a minute had passed
before all the heads
had rolled like ripe apples
Off the shoulders of the young witches.
Old Ra-Zhanna, seeing her work done,
Let go of a bloodcurdling scream:
Ra! Ra! Ra!

Choir (right):

All seven brothers
Jumped from the haypile
and ran for the loft window.
Whence they dived or pushed each other
into the black of the night.

Choir (left):

Below the barn window
Was a huge pile of cow dung.
It softened the fall
of the seven brothers,
but their socks got wet.
The horses in the stall neighed
and cows mooed.
Near the outhouse,
an owl hooted her flute.

Choir (right):

Smartass John pulled on Rozinante’s four legs
the Devil’s own boots.
Then he jumped into the saddle
and was off.

With Rozinante leading the way

the crickets turned horses raced home
to the Baltic Sea and the homes
of their proto-Latvian forebears.
An old moon, thin as an overused scythe,
kept open a narrow slit of her only eye.
While the moon spied,
the brothers were soon halfway home.
Then Smartass John
Pulled in Rozinante’s reigns.

Smartass John:

We are safe now, he said.
The Old Witch has not enough
poison mushrooms left
in her rucksack
to energize her further on.
So, let us catch our breath,
reorganize, and rethink our strategy.
I would like to turn around
and ride to the Sun Mountain
and ask the Sun
to lead us to another set of brides.

Choir of Six Brothers:
Have you gone mad?
We just escaped Ra-Zhanna’s axe.
Who do you think the Sun is?

Smartass John:

The Sun is whoever
she wants to be:
sometimes mother, sometimes witch,
sometimes whore, or a Goddess.
Many envy Her.
Yesterday a Supreme Court justice
in Washington,
tied the marriage knot
for two Gays.
It’s nothing special for the Sun
to replace Crazy Jane
with Princess Wonderful
Daughter of King John First Evermore
the Tax Collector.

Choir of Six Brothers:

By the grace of the Peace of Westphalia
Lawmakers are our priests now,
and Supreme Court justices are our cardinals.
God and his Own Devil
are but termites of our brain.
If you wish to chase crickets, termites,
or horse flies that’s not for us.
We are riding home to the Baltics
The lands of the ever better off.
True believers in the European Central Bank
and North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

The Poet:

Smartass John turned Rozinante toward the East.
Then he tickled her ribs with his heels.
Zhanna, Zhanna, Zhwoom!
Rang the harsness bells, and
Smartass John left his brothers
in a cloud of dust.

Choir of Six Brothers

(As if speaking to themselves :)
If you seek Princess Wonderful
Daughter of King John First Evermore
The Tax Collector,
before you crawl into bed with her
make sure her name is not Crazy Jane.
If it’s her, you will not be rid of her
before she has your head by its hair,
and has raised you up to her eye level
to check the color your eyes.
 

EC 430 / 4 Smartass John

Eso A.B.

Smartass John and Crazy Jane

Scene 3 / A Day Filled with Foreboding

 Translated by © Eso A.B.

 

Synopsis: The Sun rises and discovers the entire younger generation of Latvians contemptuous of the Sun and the traditions of their older generations. The Sun determines to put an end to ‘selfish rights’ at the expense of the community. She warns Crazy Jane of what is about to happen. Crazy Jane, madly in love with Smartass John cannot resist warning him of the Sun’s plans. Smartass John in turn warns his brothers. Scared to death of death, they all determine to survive alive at the expense of the seven daughters of Old Ra-Zhanna. They treat the young witches to a potion known as Riga Bubbly.

 

The Poet:

The Sun rose with a smile,

but soon showed signs of disaffection.

Something was not right.

Green, red, yellow and blue colors

danced across the face of the Sun.

The sky shook as if were shaky jelly.

 

The Sun:            

Are those my daughters there

sleeping on the barroom tables?

Who are those men

Sleeping on the floor?

They’re not anything

like the Latvians I know.

 

Crazy Jane:

Good morning, mother Sun!

Me and by beau John here,

We have come to the Sun Mountain

to greet you for real.

 

The Sun:

That is nice of you, thanks.

But excuse me,

all my long life,

I have never seen anything like this

at Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn.

 

The Poet:

The Sun cast a fierce eye

on the old inn once more.

Never before had it become

a retreat for legislative rats.

 

The Sun let go a scream

and pulled her dress over Her head
to reveal Her true nature.

 

The Sun:

I will tell of this to my Ra-Zhannas.

They will chew their toes

And scream all night

until Moses comes

and rewrites

the 11^th Commandment.

 

The Poet:

Smartass John hid

Behind Crazy Jane’s back.

To appease the Sun

Crazy Jane started singing

the national anthem

Of proto-Latvians:

 

Crazy Jane:

O, bless Jerusalem (of the wood).

Our beloved motherland

(where the Sun

is our only hairdresser).

Bless, O bless Jerusalem,

sing halle-lui-ah.

 

The Poet:

The Sun listened and snorted.

then leaned close to Crazy Jane’s ear,

and whispered.

Whatever it was she said,

Crazy Jane was shook.

 

Crazy Jane:

By the God’s Own Devil,

please don’t do it, grandmother!

 

The Sun:

It will be as I say.

Off with their heads.

It is the only way

to save what remains holy.

 

The Poet:

Have you ever wondered

why an orgasm happens

between our legs

and not between our ears?

 

When Smartass John and Crazy Jane

Returned to Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn

Smartass John collapsed.

Crazy Jane had to smack his face

With her teats to bring him back to.

 

When Smartass John revived,

It was time to attend to Rozinante.

But Crazy Jane had already

Combed the mare’s mane

And brushed her hide.

 

The Poet:

On his way to the horse stall,

Smartass John met his brothers.

 

Six Brothers of John:

Greetings, Smartass John!

Ha, ha, ha!

“What’s new bro?

What happened to you?

We had a hell of a ball.

Too bad you missed it.

Ha, ha, ha!

 

Smartass John:

If I am to judge

By the turned over tables and stools,

and cracked dishes,

you had one hell of a time.

But do not worry,

You will be amazed by the bill

 

Six Brothers to John:

Plausible deniability

will speak for us.

Ra-Zhanna’s daughters did it.

 

Smartass John:

The blade that will slice

off your heads

is being sharpened in the kitchen

this very moment.

 

Six Brothers to John:

Is this another one of your fantasies?

Ha, ha, ha!

We’d rather have eggs

sunnyside up

with deep fried crickets

and chantrelle mushrooms.

 

Smartass John:

I am not kidding you.

Come closer. I have something

to confide to you in all secrecy.

Bend me your ears.

 

The Poet:

All six brothers listened

to Smartass John unbelievingly.

 

Say All:

We don’t believe it.

 

Choirs (left):

By God’s Own Devil!

What do we do now?

 

Smartass John:

If you wish to live

then listen to my advice,

and do as I say.

 

Six Brothers to John:

Yes, yes! Smartass John,

You’re the smartest of them all.

 

Smartass John:

You should know that

the 11^th Commandment favors the Princes.

To get their bill

for increased

federal taxes passed,

they will jerk off anyone.

Let us not be their jerks.

Let them jerk off

Old Ra-Zhanna’s daughters instead.

 

Here is my plan:

When we and our Janes

meet tonight in the hayloft,

we’ll treat them to a glass

of Riga Bubbly.

But here—mix in this powder.

 

The Poet:

It was a sleeping powder

that would put to sleep

anyone who took it.

 

Smartass John:

When the Jane’s are asleep,

take from their heads their flower wreaths.

and replace them with our oakleaf crowns.

Put the flower wreaths on your own heads,

then we roll the Janes to the side

of the attic boardwalk.

As for ourselves,

We will climb to the top of the haypile

and watch what happens.