EC 431 / 5   Smartass John
Eso A.B.
Smartass John and Crazy Jane
Scene 4: Slaughter in the Hayloft
Translated by © Eso A.B.

Synopsis: The Old Witch Ra-Zhanna, aka the Sun incarnate, takes revenge for being slighted by neo-Latvian youths, but is tricked by them, and is slighted all over again. The reader discovers how the Peace of Westwhaplia eliminated both God and the Devil, and replaced them with fantasy institutions such as the Supreme Court, the Central Bank, and.not least, a New World Order for idiots. Smartass John and his brothers escape from Old Ra-Zhanna by the skin of their teeth. However, before long, Smartass John decides to replace the dead Crazy Jane with Princess Wonderful Daughter of King John First Evermore, little realizing that the latter may be another  lesser reincarnation of the Sun Goddess Ra-Zhanna.

Choir of Six Brothers:

Are you telling us
our brides will die?

Smartass John:

Indeed.
The Old Witch Ra-Zhanna
will come with an axe
and chop off any man’s or woman’s head
she sees sleep
next to the boardwalk. Comprende?

Choir of Six Brothers:

Do not forsake me, O my darling!
We waited for our wedding day
twenty years.

Smartass John:

There is no other way.
If you wish to stay alive.
Misfortune Herself decrees
that your brides remain your fists.

The Poet:

After Crazy Jane and her sisters
came to the hayloft,
everyone of them
snuggled up to her man.
Smartass John took Crazy Jane to the bar
and presented her with a glass
of Riga Bubbly.

After Jane’s glass was empty,
he took from her head
her wreath of Johns Flowers
and put it on his head.

Crazy Jane:
Ha, ha, ha!
It fits you well.
Then still on her feet,
she fell asleep.

The Poet:

Smartass John laid Crazy Jane
in the passage between the hay piles.
He had little doubt that
when Old Ra-Zhanna came swinging her ax,
The head of Crazy Jane would roll painlessly.

As such and like thoughts
went through his head.
The door to the hayloft creaked.
Someone was heard coming up the stairs.
All of Ra-Zhanna’s daughters
slept and snorred.
They saw nothing, heard nothing, knew nothing.

Smartass John hoped that he could trust

that the secret Crazy Jane
had entrusted to him was the honest truth.
Or his head, too, would soon leak
egg yellow and red.

Old Ra-Zhanna came up the stairs

like the whirlpool of a wind.
A window shutter banged and creaked
 “shnyek”, “shnyak”, “shnyek”, “shnyak”.
No other sounds were heard.
Not a minute had passed
before all the heads
had rolled like ripe apples
Off the shoulders of the young witches.
Old Ra-Zhanna, seeing her work done,
Let go of a bloodcurdling scream:
Ra! Ra! Ra!

Choir (right):

All seven brothers
Jumped from the haypile
and ran for the loft window.
Whence they dived or pushed each other
into the black of the night.

Choir (left):

Below the barn window
Was a huge pile of cow dung.
It softened the fall
of the seven brothers,
but their socks got wet.
The horses in the stall neighed
and cows mooed.
Near the outhouse,
an owl hooted her flute.

Choir (right):

Smartass John pulled on Rozinante’s four legs
the Devil’s own boots.
Then he jumped into the saddle
and was off.

With Rozinante leading the way

the crickets turned horses raced home
to the Baltic Sea and the homes
of their proto-Latvian forebears.
An old moon, thin as an overused scythe,
kept open a narrow slit of her only eye.
While the moon spied,
the brothers were soon halfway home.
Then Smartass John
Pulled in Rozinante’s reigns.

Smartass John:

We are safe now, he said.
The Old Witch has not enough
poison mushrooms left
in her rucksack
to energize her further on.
So, let us catch our breath,
reorganize, and rethink our strategy.
I would like to turn around
and ride to the Sun Mountain
and ask the Sun
to lead us to another set of brides.

Choir of Six Brothers:
Have you gone mad?
We just escaped Ra-Zhanna’s axe.
Who do you think the Sun is?

Smartass John:

The Sun is whoever
she wants to be:
sometimes mother, sometimes witch,
sometimes whore, or a Goddess.
Many envy Her.
Yesterday a Supreme Court justice
in Washington,
tied the marriage knot
for two Gays.
It’s nothing special for the Sun
to replace Crazy Jane
with Princess Wonderful
Daughter of King John First Evermore
the Tax Collector.

Choir of Six Brothers:

By the grace of the Peace of Westphalia
Lawmakers are our priests now,
and Supreme Court justices are our cardinals.
God and his Own Devil
are but termites of our brain.
If you wish to chase crickets, termites,
or horse flies that’s not for us.
We are riding home to the Baltics
The lands of the ever better off.
True believers in the European Central Bank
and North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

The Poet:

Smartass John turned Rozinante toward the East.
Then he tickled her ribs with his heels.
Zhanna, Zhanna, Zhwoom!
Rang the harsness bells, and
Smartass John left his brothers
in a cloud of dust.

Choir of Six Brothers

(As if speaking to themselves :)
If you seek Princess Wonderful
Daughter of King John First Evermore
The Tax Collector,
before you crawl into bed with her
make sure her name is not Crazy Jane.
If it’s her, you will not be rid of her
before she has your head by its hair,
and has raised you up to her eye level
to check the color your eyes.
 

EC 430 / 4 Smartass John

Eso A.B.

Smartass John and Crazy Jane

Scene 3 / A Day Filled with Foreboding

 Translated by © Eso A.B.

 

Synopsis: The Sun rises and discovers the entire younger generation of Latvians contemptuous of the Sun and the traditions of their older generations. The Sun determines to put an end to ‘selfish rights’ at the expense of the community. She warns Crazy Jane of what is about to happen. Crazy Jane, madly in love with Smartass John cannot resist warning him of the Sun’s plans. Smartass John in turn warns his brothers. Scared to death of death, they all determine to survive alive at the expense of the seven daughters of Old Ra-Zhanna. They treat the young witches to a potion known as Riga Bubbly.

 

The Poet:

The Sun rose with a smile,

but soon showed signs of disaffection.

Something was not right.

Green, red, yellow and blue colors

danced across the face of the Sun.

The sky shook as if were shaky jelly.

 

The Sun:            

Are those my daughters there

sleeping on the barroom tables?

Who are those men

Sleeping on the floor?

They’re not anything

like the Latvians I know.

 

Crazy Jane:

Good morning, mother Sun!

Me and by beau John here,

We have come to the Sun Mountain

to greet you for real.

 

The Sun:

That is nice of you, thanks.

But excuse me,

all my long life,

I have never seen anything like this

at Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn.

 

The Poet:

The Sun cast a fierce eye

on the old inn once more.

Never before had it become

a retreat for legislative rats.

 

The Sun let go a scream

and pulled her dress over Her head
to reveal Her true nature.

 

The Sun:

I will tell of this to my Ra-Zhannas.

They will chew their toes

And scream all night

until Moses comes

and rewrites

the 11^th Commandment.

 

The Poet:

Smartass John hid

Behind Crazy Jane’s back.

To appease the Sun

Crazy Jane started singing

the national anthem

Of proto-Latvians:

 

Crazy Jane:

O, bless Jerusalem (of the wood).

Our beloved motherland

(where the Sun

is our only hairdresser).

Bless, O bless Jerusalem,

sing halle-lui-ah.

 

The Poet:

The Sun listened and snorted.

then leaned close to Crazy Jane’s ear,

and whispered.

Whatever it was she said,

Crazy Jane was shook.

 

Crazy Jane:

By the God’s Own Devil,

please don’t do it, grandmother!

 

The Sun:

It will be as I say.

Off with their heads.

It is the only way

to save what remains holy.

 

The Poet:

Have you ever wondered

why an orgasm happens

between our legs

and not between our ears?

 

When Smartass John and Crazy Jane

Returned to Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn

Smartass John collapsed.

Crazy Jane had to smack his face

With her teats to bring him back to.

 

When Smartass John revived,

It was time to attend to Rozinante.

But Crazy Jane had already

Combed the mare’s mane

And brushed her hide.

 

The Poet:

On his way to the horse stall,

Smartass John met his brothers.

 

Six Brothers of John:

Greetings, Smartass John!

Ha, ha, ha!

“What’s new bro?

What happened to you?

We had a hell of a ball.

Too bad you missed it.

Ha, ha, ha!

 

Smartass John:

If I am to judge

By the turned over tables and stools,

and cracked dishes,

you had one hell of a time.

But do not worry,

You will be amazed by the bill

 

Six Brothers to John:

Plausible deniability

will speak for us.

Ra-Zhanna’s daughters did it.

 

Smartass John:

The blade that will slice

off your heads

is being sharpened in the kitchen

this very moment.

 

Six Brothers to John:

Is this another one of your fantasies?

Ha, ha, ha!

We’d rather have eggs

sunnyside up

with deep fried crickets

and chantrelle mushrooms.

 

Smartass John:

I am not kidding you.

Come closer. I have something

to confide to you in all secrecy.

Bend me your ears.

 

The Poet:

All six brothers listened

to Smartass John unbelievingly.

 

Say All:

We don’t believe it.

 

Choirs (left):

By God’s Own Devil!

What do we do now?

 

Smartass John:

If you wish to live

then listen to my advice,

and do as I say.

 

Six Brothers to John:

Yes, yes! Smartass John,

You’re the smartest of them all.

 

Smartass John:

You should know that

the 11^th Commandment favors the Princes.

To get their bill

for increased

federal taxes passed,

they will jerk off anyone.

Let us not be their jerks.

Let them jerk off

Old Ra-Zhanna’s daughters instead.

 

Here is my plan:

When we and our Janes

meet tonight in the hayloft,

we’ll treat them to a glass

of Riga Bubbly.

But here—mix in this powder.

 

The Poet:

It was a sleeping powder

that would put to sleep

anyone who took it.

 

Smartass John:

When the Jane’s are asleep,

take from their heads their flower wreaths.

and replace them with our oakleaf crowns.

Put the flower wreaths on your own heads,

then we roll the Janes to the side

of the attic boardwalk.

As for ourselves,

We will climb to the top of the haypile

and watch what happens.

EC 429/ 3 Smartass John
Eso A.B.
Smartass John and Crazy Jane
Scene 2 / First part of the Journey
Translated by © Eso A.B.

Synopsis: Smartass John begins a journey to the Old Witch’s Inn where the Midsummer ritual of ‘Community Reconstitution’ is about to take place. When he arrives, the celebrants are done with the orgiastic celebrations, but neglect to await the blessings of the Sun Goddess. The failure to await the Sun, turns the participants into consumers of pleasure. The Sun is outraged.

Choir:
Rozinante carried Smartass John
over mountains and valleys.
All day passed.
By the evening of tomorrow,
When the eve of Johns begins,
Rozinante began to limp,
and Smartass John does not
arrive at Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn
on time.

The Poet:
The revels at the Old Witch’s Inn
went on without Smartass John.
All about him in the hills
burned the sacred fires of Johns night.
The fires were lit by proto-Estonians,
Proto-Latvians, Lithuanians, and Prussians
proto-everyone; all unglobalized
proto-European tribes
that lived in the wood.
Smartass John urged Rozinante
to step faster,
and himself climbed from the saddle
and went on foot.

Chorus:
By the time Smartass John and Rozinante
arrived at Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn,
the eve of Johns had come to an end.
The horizon was bright.
The Sun was soon to rise.

The Poet:
Wherever Smartass John looked
everything evidenced the celebration
had been more than real.
Heavy snoring came from
God’s Own many Devils
and Old Ra-Zhanna’s own daughters.
They all had had a go at it.

Still, Smartass John was not surprised.
The Balts of old were known
for their merry making.
Sometimes they drank for three days straight,
Sometimes for two weeks without a break.
Everyone lay were they had fallen
as after an orgy of emotion
hat only too much beer and wine
can put to sleep.

But there was a problem:
tradition required that
all celebrants without exception
stay awake until the Sun
broke through the dawn’s early light.
The Sun had to give Her blessings
on the night’s proceedings.

Only the Old Witch Ra-Zhanna,
said to be the Sun’s granddaughter
was excused, because
following the revels
she always knew to disappear—
no one knew where.

Rumor had it that
if the Sun was not met
by all and sundry,
all Hell would break lose,
and the river Styx and all water wells
would overflow with fire.
and consume all sick souls.

Chorus (right):
In proto-Latvian times everyone knew
that Hell would come
if on the morn of sacred Johns
the Sun was not received.
If anyone was asleep,
Old Ra-Zhanna would mysteriously appear
and, no excuses accepted,
chop off his or her head.

Chorus (left):
Unfortunately on that sacred day
The Sun had been
carelessly forgot.
Perhaps this was because
Presidents elected by Parliament
had replaced kings of old.
Such presidents do not shy away
from becoming reactionaries
who support globalization
on behalf of the elites.

Sure of their God,
instituted by the Peace of Westphalia,
and the Supreme Court of America,
the revelers forgot God’s Own Devil
and the cellars
aflame below
the “Hotel Hell” he owns.

Wherever Smartass John looked,
all the inn’s guests slept
with their arms and legs hanging
over edges of tables and chairs.
Not a single one of Gods own Devils
had paid attention to tradition,
to the Sun, the Creatrix.

Chorus:
The nights of Johns and January
had been forgot.

Chorus (left):
All had come to believe
that warnings of hell to come
was something of a joke.

Of all of Ra-Zhannas daughters,
whom Fortuna,
the Goddess of Fate
had selected for brides
to the seven brothers,
only one was still awake.

This was Crazy Jane,
The daughter of
Old Mad Ra-Zhanna
and God’s Own Devil,
The Sun’s granddaughter.

All the other sisters
here stretched out wherever
beer or wine
had put them and their lovers
to sleep.

Chorus:
Why was Crazy Jane still awake?
Smartass John soon found out.
He discovered that while his brothers
had danced with her,
they had not got off their rocks with her,
and had, thus,
abandoned her.

The Poet:
Not least, while her six sisters
and the six brothers had
swung ever higher
(the swing on the branch
of the old oak in the yard
had creaked all night long)
Crazy Jane’s heart grew
ever more sore.

The heart of Crazy Jane,
as they say,
Had marinated in her own juices
for the entire night.
She was as sweet
as she was sour.

That is when Smartass John,
at last, came in
through the door of Ra-Zhanna’s Inn.

Crazy Jane:
How goes it, Sweetheart?

Smartass John:
My sweet apple,
I have never been better.
It’s only that right now
I am a little tired.

Crazy Jane:
I understand that, Smartass John.
I have a bed for you ready.
I know how to think ahead.

Smartass John:
Yes, Softspot.
If you are as crazy for nuts
as your praises praise you,
you surely know
that I do not wish to sleep alone.

Crazy Jane:
Sweetheart, let it not bother you.
You will not be alone.
When it comes to rocking,
I enjoy it as much as
if I were your twin.

Smartass John:
That’s marvelous.
Wait but one minute,
I must go and unsaddle Rozinante.
I left my poor mare
tied to the birch by the gate.

Chorus:
Smartass John released Rozinante
to go pluck oats.
Meanwhile, Crazy Jane,
fluffed up the straw filled mattress
and goose down pillows.

The Poet:
When Smartass John and Crazy Jane
both jumped into bed.
All hens in the chicken coop
and all the geese behind the fence
awakened and sang Halleluia.

Chorus:
“Gagaga-gā! Gagaga-gā! Honk! Honk!”.
Even some revelers,
who were believed to be sleeping,
awakened and marveled to see,
how the straw filled mattress
turned the straw into dust.

Chorus (left):
It’s is difficult to explain
how the sisters of Crazy Jane
Forgot to give praises
to Ra-Zhanna the Great.

For thousands of years the Balts,
herders of reindeer, wild pigs,
and gardeners of turnips,
had never before neglected
to await the Sun of Johns.

Crazy Jane, alone
kept the memory of Ra-Zhanna
her Grandmother alive.
For this reason,
while Smartass John slept,
she stood guard over him,
lest the Sun come strike him dead.

Chorus (right):
Smartass John had hardly
opened his eyes,
When Crazy Jane already
dragged him from the bed,
and when John resisted,
whispered into his ear:

Crazy Jane:
You surely must know, Smartass John,
how angry Ra-Zhanna my grandmother
will be to see
all the vimps and trauts snoring.
Hell itself will come
to collect pay.

Chorus (left):
Crazy Jane continued
to tell what was about to happen.
Smartass John’s eyes grew
ever wider and wider
as he heard such
universally familiar words:

Chorus:
“...heads will roll… blood will flow…”

Crazy Jane:
Listen, Smartass,
the only way you and your brothers
may escape certain death
is to dress your mare Rozinante
in by father’s,
God’s own Devil’s, boots,
and not forget
to take me with you.

Smartass John:
Darling Crazy Jane,
I will be more than happy
to sleep with you twice.

Chorus:
Crazy Jane was overjoyed.
Quickly, she found
additional presents
to present Smartass John with.

One such present
was a ring of gold.
The other was a silk handkerchief.
The third was two pair
of her father’s boots made
of the skin of a wild boar
that one spring had humped
a dozen sows in a row,
and still had not had enough.

Crazy Jane:
You must put the boots
on the hooves of Rozinante.
The mare will then fly
if we both sit on her back.

If you ever have any problems,
just put the ring into
the handkerchief
and start polishing it.
You will get a pleasant surprise.

The Poet:
Putting their arms about
each other’s waist,
Smartass John and Crazy Jane
then left Old Ra-Zhanna’s Inn
and went to climb Johns mountain.

To tell the truth,
Johns mountain was no more
than a mound of sunflowers
at the peak of which
in the courtyard of Ra-Zhanna’s Inn
sat the “Lesser Johns” pagan ansemble
and played leg-between-leg
waltzes all night long.